• 42in Plasma Screen

    Look at me with my new TV,
    Sky H.D.
    So all can see,
    I leave my curtains open.... more »

  • Animals

    I suppose that strictly speaking,
    pigs can't really fly,
    and you 'd never get a camel
    through a needles eye.... more »

  • Battlefield

    On the battlefield of love you captured me.
    You chained my desires and tore apart my soul.
    In dungeons you imprisoned my spirit.
    In solitary confinement, you tortured me,... more »

  • Brave Face

    How often can you put on a brave face?
    Because this one is wearing thin.
    This mask of indifference I'm showing,
    is slowly crumbling in.... more »

  • Cats

    Not all cats are fat cats,
    some are thin and lean.
    Some have eyes of deepest brown,
    while others eyes are green.... more »

  • Christmas Fairy

    I am a poor old fairy,
    from the top of the christmas tree.
    And as you enjoy yourselves this Christmas,
    spare a thought for me.... more »

  • Christmas Is Coming Oh No!

    There will be no sex for me at Christmas,
    I'm sleeping on the floor.
    Uncle Ken will be in my bed,
    and the kids are in next door.... more »

  • Cold Cold Winter

    I can't stand the cold, cold winter.
    The rain. The sleet. The snow.
    I need the sun upon my back,
    so its towards the South I go.... more »

  • Death By Romance

    Your mind is deep,
    my body's weak,
    you mine my very soul.
    You raise in me feelings... more »

  • Divorce

    The lines are drawn, let battle commence,
    lets see who will win the fray.
    Both sides equal, attack and defence
    only one can win the day.... more »

  • Essex Town

    Sitting in the cafe,
    with a cup of tea and pie,
    Looking at the car park,
    gazing at the sky.... more »

  • Friends

    I know you will never love me,
    you know I'll always care.
    I know in times of trouble,
    you know I will be there.... more »

  • I Want To Be An Essex Driver

    I want to be an Essex driver
    and drive my car so fast
    and leave others in my slipstream
    as I go tearing past... more »

  • If

    If they took away the sunshine,
    I could replace it with your smile.

    If they took away the starlight,... more »

  • Local Hero

    I am a local hero,
    my exploits are world wide.
    When our team won the F.A. Cup,
    I was the captain of the side.... more »

  • Mr. Average Englishman

    Mr. average Englishman is racist,
    he doesn't mean to be.
    Its just that he feels so superior,
    to people like you and me.... more »

  • Mutual Affection

    Oh I love you Mr. Cameron,
    the feelings mutual Mr Clegg
    You got me into power,
    I did'nt need to beg.... more »

  • Past My Sell By Date.

    I think I'm past my sell by date,
    I've been taken off display,
    and put on the shelf as cheap goods,
    marked down for final day.... more »

  • Rampant Rabbit

    I've been replaced by a Rampant Rabbit.
    a bloody mechanical toy,
    that seems to have the habit
    of giving my Girlfriend joy.... more »

  • S.A.D.

    I suffer from that seasonal disorder,
    you know Winter bothers me.
    I hate the sight
    when you come home at night... more »

  • Scissors

    ... more »

  • Suicide

    Some people think that the cure for all ills,
    is a tumbler of scotch and a handful of pills.
    Others swear to end your life,
    you need a nice hot bath and a good sharp knife,... more »

  • The Cat And The Mouse

    Said the Cat to the Mouse ' will you come to my house and join me in some tea'?
    Said the Mouse to the Cat ' if I did that, I'm afraid that your tea would be me'.
    'Oh no! ' said the Cat ' I would'nt do that, I'm not completely lacking in feeling'.
    'I have some fresh bread and jam, a nice piece of ham, and a cup of the finest Darjeeling'.... more »

  • The Hedgehog

    Its been told in lots of stories,
    even written down in verse,
    that in a Hedgehog v Cortina fight,
    the hedgehog comes off worse.... more »

  • Trust

    What can you do if you lose
    my trust?
    What can be done if you abuse
    my trust?... more »