• 20, The Limes

    Its ruddy freezing in February our road outside is a sheet of ice,
    We live at the bottom of a long steep hill, that’s significant and normally nice,
    But there’s a car in our front garden it happens about once a year,
    I said to the wife have you seen the Mercedes?... more »

  • A Blind Date In Eden

    Oh God why did you put me here,
    What on earth did you have in mind?
    Uncut grass and old fruit trees,
    There's nothing else to find.... more »

  • A Church Farce Saga

    It happened oh so quickly,
    There was no time to run,
    The Vicar had never encountered,
    A mugger with a gun.... more »

  • A 'Dicky' Seaman

    Going back a year or two,
    There was a sailor that I knew,
    His name was Tate and what d'you know,
    He was a walking picture show.... more »

  • A Wonderful Time Of The Year

    Come on in and pull up a chair, give me your hat and your scarf,
    We’re having a party and everyone’s there tonight we’re having a laugh.

    It’s Christmas Eve and the wines in full flow the mistletoes over our heads,... more »

  • Adolescence

    My Mother told me when I was ten,
    I'd be mature at twelve and then,
    Hair would leap out of my chin,
    From little pores within my skin,... more »

  • All Because The Lady Loves Chablis

    There's a lady I know loves Chablis,
    "It just slips down" she says, very happily,
    By the fifth glass,
    She's flat on her back,... more »

  • Apocalypse

    Mummy, why is the wind so strong?
    It’s blowing the trees over along the lane,
    And the rain is so hard the drain overflowed,
    In next door’s yard and the front doors come open again.... more »

  • Back In The Black

    John would look in the mirror and stare,
    At the thinning of his hair,
    Making wishes, needs and wants,
    For a thatch upon his bonce.... more »

  • Blowing My Mind

    Laying on a red seat,
    Sliding off the world,
    Flying off to paradise,
    Heads all in a whirl.... more »

  • Can You Lend Me?

    Can you lend me a quid Sid?
    I'm a bit short of funds at the moment,
    It'd make me really happy if you did,
    It may not be a lot to you but if you only knew,... more »

  • Chocolate Vampire

    The dark and white a lovely sight, a sneaky bite to eat at night,
    When I'm alone and on my own I must condone my little groan,
    Of pleasure as the smell of it comes face to face with my lips,
    Then disappears without a trace through the hole within my face.... more »

  • Consequences

    Quasi met Esmeralda at the annual cathedral fete,
    She wasn't wearing any rings so he asked her for a date,
    I do like rings she told him I am a girl of taste,
    Confused he thought his peal appealed and a smile grew on his face.... more »

  • Daydream

    I love weekends, I lie and stare,
    At your picture in the air,
    Close my eyes and dream of you,
    That’s all I ever want to do.... more »

  • Divine Light

    It's a Sunday morning bright and fair
    and Christians wander off to mass,
    Lining pews all singing where
    sunbeams pierce stained window glass.... more »

  • Donation

    Of all the people in the world
    There's only one of me,
    I work to help the limbless,
    And aid mobility.... more »

  • Food Power

    If I eat my carrots can I see in the dark?
    If I finish my spinach can I wrestle a shark?
    If I eat all my crusts will my hair grow curly?
    If I don't eat sweets will my teeth stay pearly?... more »

  • Girl With The Smiling Eyes

    My heart skips a beat when you turn on your smile,
    Cos I haven’t seen you for such a long while,
    Those little wrinkles on the side of your nose,
    Are the cutest signs of our love that grows?... more »

  • Going Home

    The ticket lays on my bedside table,
    My most recent gift,
    For an unexpected journey,
    And I got it all for free,... more »

  • Harry The Fish

    Harry the fish they called him,
    And it was one damp dismal night,
    Fit as a fiddle and boy could he swim,
    Put up one hell of a fight.... more »

  • Healing The World

    Ignition, spedition I’m a bullet from the sky,
    I’m your flash of inspiration and eureka I cry,
    Master of the airwaves with my healing lightening flash,
    I’m faster than the speed of light, through galaxies I dash.... more »

  • Hopping The Boards

    ... more »

  • Hormone Hiatus

    Tap tap, tapping,
    The persistent tapping of rain on my window ledge,
    Or was it the door?
    Was it rain drops or the man next door?... more »

  • How Much Longer Jim?

    We were getting a bit concerned,
    Nobody else gave a damn,
    He's not on a diet,
    Unless he's kept quiet,... more »

  • I Love You So Much I Can'T Be Without You

    I sit and watch the world go by,
    I drink a beer and give a sigh,
    I have a smoke and close one eye,
    And sit and watch the world go by.... more »