[added September 12, 2016, at the suggestion of PH member Stephen Katona, who claims his dad had a coughing fit after Steve read this aloud to
by Bri Edwards
his 'dad' as his father was eating his porridge: 'WARNING: THIS POEM MAY ENDANGER YOUR HEALTH......choking hazard! ! ']
Two months ago, in the mail, I got a company's exciting offer;
I could get a host of diagnostic tests, in exchange for a few of MY coins in THEIR coffer.
Soon to my town was coming a great big mobile-medical van,
in which my body could be subjected to sonograms and x-rays, and even one cat SCAN.
So I called the toll free number, immediately; that is really quick.
They made my appointment for last week, and said 'to that time' I had to stick.
Here at last was the chance to find in me: cysts, plaque, clots, and tumors.
I'd heard some negative things about the company, but I'm SURE they were just RUMORS.
The tests all seemed painless, even comfortable, as if there was NOTHING being done.
Pretty nurses (all the 'patients' were men) served coffee and donuts between each test. It was really sort of FUN.
This afternoon, by first class mail, I received my results from their expert doc.
What I read, two pages long, sent me into shock.
I have a little mouse in my stomach, exhaling between each stomach squeeze, .......
just sitting there expectantly, waiting for some little bits of cheese.
And that's not all!
From head to toes my body is inhabited by various creatures young and old.
If I hadn't read the OFFICIAL results, I'd not believe it; I need support on which to HOLD.
I have bats in my belfry (that's my BRAIN) : I tell you so you'll know.
Brown bats are in the right hemisphere and vampire bats in the left, flying to and fro.
Fleas sleep beneath my toenails. Be careful whose dog you kick!
Woodpeckers make holes in my pelvis, as if each bone was just a stick.
I have armadillos in each armpit, where they hole up for the night.
And there are needle fish swimming behind my kneecaps. TO ME THAT ISN'T RIGHT!
Termites scurry up and down my spine, messing up the works.
Moths inhabit the soles of my feet. And they chew holes in my socks (one of a moth's quirks) .
And that's not all either! !
There is a magpie egg in each eye; no wonder I need specs.
And throughout my vascular system, worms and snakes, one test does detect.
Of special interest, they found inside my heart a coiled cobra snake.
So you'd better be especially careful not to 'my heart' break.
There's a live mud turtle in my liver; each day it walks half a mile.
And hovering inside my gall bladder there's a hummingbird, sipping bile.
There's a young badger in my large intestine, getting larger by the day.
And inside my small bowel there's a pine squirrel with which the badger does often play.
There are spiders in my lungs, hanging from webs and waiting for a fly.
Earwigs infest my ears and silverfish infest my sinuses; please don't ask my WHY.
There is a pair of scorpions in my spleen, and the female is expecting.
But my kidneys are CLEAR, thank goodness; all intruders my kidneys keep rejecting.
I have land crabs in my scrotum, living on my tiny pubic hair roots.
And scarab beetles feed on scraps inside my mouth; they are insect-world galoots.
I have a blow fish in my bladder, my body's own fish bowl.
There are rodents in my rectum. During testing, ONE came out my hole.
[The last finding mentioned in my test results I already knew about.]
There's a swarm of bees living in my penis, making lots of honey,
and I agree with the doctor's words: 'When a bee flies out, it sure looks funny.'
Now I KNOW what you are thinking: 'What SHOULD Bri do? '
But to tell you the honest truth, I'm not too worried. It's TRUE!
SOME WILL SAY SUCH AN INVASION OF FAUNA IS DANGEROUS. I think that's just a rumor.
Besides, the report says 'You've got NO PLAQUE, NO CYSTS, NO CLOTS, and certainly NO TUMOR.'