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As A Child I Used To Believe
TG (Dec,9,1987 / Newport Tennessee)

As A Child I Used To Believe

As a child, I used to believe,
I had dreams within dreams of life,
I wished, I smiled and I yearned,
Not once understanding of strife.
To think back on how naïve I had been,
To see the world all in black and white,
Such a happy child with a carefree smile,
And my eyes once shone bright.

I dreamt of a future full of your pride,
A actor I was to eventually be,
I’d rise above my sisters and make you smile,
I’d be everything and more, I’d be free.
I’d have a loving husband and a beautiful child,
Never a time in which we fought,
I’d have a brand new car and a lovely house,
In my heart is where these dreams were wrought.

By twelve these dreams came crashing down,
But I was determined I’d still make you proud,
If not a actor then perhaps a model,
You’ll see, I’d stand out amongst the crowd.
I smiled sometimes but not as much,
And those smiles still touched my eyes,
I saw perhaps a shade of grey,
But no problems did this arise.

My dreams did change but had the same effect,
For you still looked at me with pride,
I lowered them down just a little bit,
And took everything on in stride.
The house would be just a little smaller,
But I’d still have a wonderful husband and child,
I refused to let go of that little detail,
For you see it left me beguiled.

At fourteen I finally let go of my dreams,
And that’s where I stopped believing,
My heart and soul pained me now,
I knew that myself I was deceiving.
It finally happened; I let everyone get to me,
My self-confidence was gone in the wind,
I hated myself something terrible,
And so my hope I did rescind.

I wanted to die more than anything else,
My dreams were replaced with death,
I hated the person I was becoming,
And so I held my last breath.
I wouldn’t live past my 18th birthday,
Faithfully, I promised myself this,
All plans of a future after that date,
Were dropped into the abyss.

I tried and tried several times,
But the pills they just weren’t a’killing,
Mother found out, doctors were called,
This certainly wasn’t a’thrilling.
Cuts were made but courage was gone,
I promised myself the morrow,
I wanted to die, but with no more pain,
But vastly grew my sorrow.

And each day comes ever by,
I have no plans of a future at all,
For I still just want to die.
I try to plan perhaps a little ahead,
But I never get passed the next day,
It’s like my minds stuck firmly on my promise,
For the morrow to be when I sway.

I want to dream and I want to believe,
I want to think of a future to get me by,
I want to smile, I want to hope,
And yes, I still want to die.
I can’t just sit here waiting uselessly,
But I’m stopped by all my fears,
I can’t work and I can’t socialise,
I’m stuck here, so it appears.

As a child, I used to believe,
I had dreams within dreams of life,
I wished, I smiled and I yearned,
Not once understanding of strife.
To think back on how naïve I had been,
To see the world all in black and white,
Such a happy child with a carefree smile,
And once my eyes shone bright.

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Rudyard Kipling

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