Big, Fat, Dirty Secret

I try to find a mirror.
I want to look at myself.
I need to feel disgusted and repulsed.
I need to remind myself what a fat, ugly, worthless
person I am, and that I don’t deserve happiness.
I can’t find one.
I threw them all out,
because I couldn’t bear to look at myself.
I couldn’t bear to keep feeling disgusted and repulsed.
My son has chocolate.
The only chocolate in the house.
I threw the rest out for my latest diet.
It was a birthday present, though.
What sort of parent would I be?
A fat, ugly, worthless one.
I take up some clean clothes as a cover
for being in his room.
He’s at school but that doesn’t ease my paranoia.
I see it, and the battle of wills disappears.
I need it.
It will comfort me like nothing and no-one else can.
It will make my problems go away.
I grab it and hurry to my room, tearing it open like an eager schoolchild.
As I bite into it, tears flow.
There is no soothing melting on my tongue.
Just, suddenly, a stark realization
of what I’ve done.

by Dan Brown

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Comments (3)

Danny... im confused... i know its a scolding on your soul but of what kind? Let me know Love, Missy
Big! Yes, in learning.Fat! only an issue if it affects your health.Dirty! No, the tears were from a concience being cleansed.Secret! no more.An amazingly caring person caught up in an addition. Don't let the addiction haze the fact that you are a very kind and loving person.If you were not then this poem would not have existed.Love Duncan
upon realizing your flaws, I suggest you should write a list of your good qualities & say them alloud to yourself each day. There is no reason to be so negative...