Blackpool In A Gale

I am here in the ‘Albert and Lion'
Drinking coffee and watching the sea
As a hurricane's battering Blackpool
Making bin bags and little dogs flee

The waves are the colour of Tetley's
As pale as Earl Grey…There she blows!
And a gentleman lighting a ceegar
Has set fire to the hairs in his nose

You'd think folk were climbing up Etna
The way they lean into the gale
It's like David confronting Goliath
Every wave is the size of a whale

An ice cream is torn from its cornet
Whipped away without any remorse
And an old lady's hair looks like washing
Pulled back, like a frightened race horse

Such a tumbling and thundering and rumbling
Snatching everyone's shopping and hat!
The tide's smashing onto the pavement
On the tramlines, a cat is squashed flat

See that dog squatting down on the pavement?
The gale's blown its business away
It's flown off like a chocolate torpedo
Setting off, on the road to Rothesay

At seventy miles per hour
A pizza's whizzed out of a shop
With a flourish of red pepperonis
Giving seventeen tourists the chop

Gypsy Rose Lee the great fortune teller
Looks distressed by the loss of her ball
It's come over the news just this minute
It's killed ninety two yaks in Nepal

The gulls are enjoying the freebies
Now that twenty six doughnuts from Greggs
Have come whirling along by the seaside
Chased by haddocks, and three pickled eggs

A lady from Brighton, sightseeing
Has been picked up and washed out to sea
It's lucky her implants inflated
Extra-large, both a size fifty-three
Oh never go strolling in Blackpool
When a hurricane's due to arrive
It's worse than the fate that took Albert
When that zoo lion ate him alive!

Will I risk creeping out from the ‘Lion? '
Will the gale whip me up by the scruff?
I know Blackpool's full of attractions
But a hurricane's more than enough!

by Sheena Blackhall

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