40. I’ve Got A Character Inside Me
I’ve got a character inside me
by Eugene Issaus
she has the same age as I—
she is the captive inside my heart
[And, if you would like to know:
her name is Cecile Bachesfield. ]
Though she’s locked inside the dark chambers,
she will never settle and keep herself quiet
I can hear her screaming, at times weeping
I try to stay as deaf as the tombs.
When I was younger, I would find a place
beyond others’ sight, and cry together with her
Now I just sit beside her dispassionately.
She is violent. She hits and kicks and
even bumps her head against the walls
Sometimes I even get frightened by her madness
I try to please her, but it seems that
she will never be pleased.
I give her time, I give her attention,
I let her eat as she likes
(she has a great appetite!)
I sacrifice my external well-being for her
Yet she continues to consume me and sneer at me.
Oh I have grown so tired of her
But can I really live without…
From don’t-know-when has she become part of me
(with the ambition to become the whole)
Well she does originate over half of my inspirations.
That is her, all irrational, all impulsive,
who can neither be predicted nor tamed
So much energy and time I’ve spent
just to pull back my nerves altogether
One day she’ll drive me wild and insane,
and run and scream and knocked down by that white truck
It’s because she has pulled down the cruel walls of her prison,
freed herself, and killed her torturer in revenge.