Embarrassment

Poem By Eziudo Michael Nwachukwu

My lover came to my house, do you know?
I guess not, I guess you didn't know
That my lover came to my house
And what happened was what would make a monkey laugh and human cry
Yes, monkey would laugh and human would cry
Because, we are in constant competition with them
I wonder why we would compete for the hearts of beautiful women with them

Anyway, that's by the way
What happened to me was an embarrassment in anyway
I was embarrassed first by my own tummy and anus
Yes, these very ones I carry
Up and down in my body
Like a man carrying forgotten problems
But I'm not complaining,
No, wasn't complaining until today

My very own tummy and anus could not pretend for once, could not cooperate
And so I was to hold my lover's hand and look into her eyes
Like it is done in those Oyibo films, when it happened
The thunder sounded in my tummy
Kpukpurururururukpukpurukpu
And she heard it!
I couldn't wait to say I'm sorry
Because it was already off the anus. Shit I mean!
Was already off my anus
So I ran into the toilet
And couldn't control the sound of the gushing, watery, flushy shit
And I spent minutes upon minutes in there
How could they even cooperate or pretend?
It was all my fault

All my fault!
I had eaten porridge beans and fried egg for breakfast and topped it up with creamy youghurt
And before noon, I visited a joint for fish pepper-soup and palmwine
My tummy became a latrine
Now, it can't even pretend

So I came out and smiled sheepishly at my lover
And she smiled back at her lover
I felt the chemistry was still on
But my lover must be entertained, fed and so on
So I dashed to the kitchen
I had bought my ingredients and had boiled my rice
I didn't know that it was a day my kitchen goddesses were off duty

I needed to showmy lover
That if she would walk with me to the alta
That she could be as much a feminist as she would wish to be
She could stay off kitchen as long as she'd want it to be
That her man is capable
His cooking skill is unquestionable
But the village witches were waiting for me there
And so, I put my meat in oil on fire
And closed the kitchen door as I came to behold again the beauty of my lover

But the stomach exploded again, the anus complaining
And the speed I hit the toilet with was amazing
And I felt my lover would be thinking me a confused man

"Why does it have to be today? " I asked

And so, another long, even longer time spent in the toilet
And I rushed into the kitchen
My meat burning had turned coal black
And the oil was about flaming
But I was adamant, I was ignorant of the effect of that on anything else I'd make
So I put in onions, tomatoes and other ingredients
And stew was cooked
I dished the rice and added stew with four black peices of meat on it

My lover was good enough and pretty understanding, or so I thought
To ease my tension, she was the first to scoop the rice mixed with enough stew into her mouth
And I looked at her in admiration
She froze
Her countenance changed
While she struggled to chew and swallow what she had in mouth,
I presumed she couldn't and wondered why
Alas! She stood up and went the direction of the toilet
I had left the toilet unflushed because I rushed off out of it
My lover came back into the parlor
There she threw up everything in her stomach
My village witches were winning
My lover's day I was ruining
No, I had ruined
My lover got wiper from her bag yet held her bag in her hand
Cleaned her jaws, chin and lips
Got water from my kitchen
Had her mouth flossed
This impressing mission, I have lost
The chemistry too, disappeared
She ran out of my house
My plea couldn't hold her back

I came back in
Tasted the rice to know what was wrong with the food.
If I weren't alone in the house, I would have fainted
But who would pour me water and slap me to get me to wake up? No one
So I didn't faint

I couldn't continue with the rice as well
Because the one in my mouth must be spilled out immediately
I never knew burnt things get bitter

So when next you see me dear brother
Don't ask me why I'm not married yet because you and I
We don't have the same wooing grace
I'm not ready to try again
You didn't know my lover came to my house
But my village witches won, one to zero

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