Fake Tan Man

Mahogany, teak stain, gravy or oak
This man's face is a bloody joke
The colour of tea left too long in a pot
His mug is 1980's California not
from a sunbed does he burn crisp
But from a bottle of furniture wax
Fake tan products just no good
for the burnished teak tan they lack
He's tried Bisto, Oxo, marmite spread
But the sticky mess comes off in bed
and reveals a ghostly white pallor
A white sheet faced pasty fella
Pale go to jail and never released
Cos he only wants to be a tanned beast
A darker shade of brown is his aim
A permanent marker is to blame
He covered his face with this ink
because he didn't want to be pink
To be mistaken for a sideboard
must be his main desire and dream
To be baked like a loaf of bread
must be his main aim and goal
Or to be coloured like a burrowing mole
He did try holidays in sunny spots
and he went brown in a few dots
Sun a peeling is not v. appealing
So bugger the sun and rub on the browning
a roasted turkey is pale next to Tan the man
Who is now coloured the shade of All Bran
and he is as crap as All Bran makes you crap
Brown boy in the ring tra la la la la
He's tan hide Mr Bootman shade noir
If he tanned any more he'd be a horses' tack
Tacky tanned tosser the shade of a sack.

by jasmine maddock

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