Fire Fire

Poem By char shepp

the hat stays on
but her smile doesent
she can still feel the heat
just like a fever
but her nose isent running
just poeple
so alone, the note book reads
but mabey someday, somone will wisper somthing
mabey a boy will tell her he wants to kiss her
but we doubt that will happen
the last time we cheaked she told heaven to wait
and she dident lie
well atlease her face dident
keep away from children
but when your 13 year not a child in a childs eyes

Comments about Fire Fire

Once again there are some great lines in this poem- my favorite being 'she told heaven to wait/ and she didn't lie.' (i think you could take out- 'at least her face didn't, ' bc i think it takes the strength that the first two lines imply away from the girl) I also like 'keep away from children/when you're 13 you're not a child in a child's eyes' (i hope i interpretted that right, you wrote 'year' but i think you meant 'you're' (also I think you should take out the 'but' at the beginning of the last line) and also your last line would be much more effective if you broke the line at child: when you're 13 you're not a child/ in a child's eyes. instead of saying that her smile just 'doesn't' stay on, maybe you could describe the smile as if it were a hat- for example- suggesting that her smile blows off in the wind, or something like that. i think the lines about heat and fever are a little over done, but i don't know what to suggest because the title is fire fire (which is great!) so i can see why you would want to mention heat in the poem. try taking it out, though, see what you think. maybe the title is enough to express the fever. i love the line- but her nose isn't running/ just people. i think that you should take out the line 'maybe a boy will tell her he wants to kiss her' let the reader guess what someone will whisper! i love the tone the poem takes when you say 'but we doubt that will happen...etc' once again, great job & keep revising!

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