HD (22/10/84 / Oxford(UK))

Hidden Truth

All these thoughts going round in my head
Trying to ignore all the bad things said.
Scars are a constant reminder
Of how I need to treat myself kinder.

I am having trouble to try and cope
I am starting to lose all hope.
It's been locked up inside for so long it's unbearable
My emotions and feelings are becoming so variable.

At times I feel mad and angry
Especially at certain members of the family.
I know people find some things difficult to believe
All the lies are suffocating me, making it hard to breathe.

Sometimes I feel sad and upset
So much pain that I tried to deflect.
I feel so guilty for having a good time
How I wish I could go back to when I was nine.

Back then everything was fine
And everybody would toe the line.
I was a normal, happy child
I'm still not sure what happened that caused everything to go wild.

Every day I try to work it out
I get more frustrated and want to scream and shout.
I can['t believe they betrayed my trust
They used me, then left me to rust.

I always thought I hd done something wrong
That it was my fault all along.
Why did I let them in?
I did what was asked, I let them win.

I didn't want to betray
But there really was no other way.
Now I now it wasn't my fault
They brain-washed me like some kind of cult.

For years I thought this was normal behaviour
I made excuses for mum hoping that somehow I could change her.
Was it wrong to stay quiet?
I didn't want to create a riot.

I kept hoping that I made a mistake
That all these memories were somehow fake.
But I know that it's all true
And that there was absolutely nothing I could do.

I feel so stupid and weak
It's like I'm constantly playing a game of hide and seek.
I try to hide my true emotions
By taking all the different potions.

I feel so ashamed and afraid
That I was the idiotic one who stayed.
But I had no reason to disagree
They were meant ot love and try to protect me.

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Rudyard Kipling

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