I guess there’s nothing more to say now
Everything’s been said and done
All’s past now and nothing
Could ever make this right again
I made something for him. I planned it to be some sort of a sweet surprise. I expected him to be, at least, happy. But I guess he found the whole idea crazy. And it hurts so much. I had been planning this for weeks and I really thought this would somehow touch him. But I was wrong.
He never knew I was hurt. I never had that strength to tell him so. I couldn’t blame him for thinking this was crazy. It was, anyway, just a game I made up, for all he cared. He never knew I spent weeks creating this crazy idea. He never knew I was serious about this either. But I was.
Today, as I start anew
I leave the past behind.
Every memory, every moment
Remains but distant past.
It’s my best time of the year. Everything seems to be in place.. well, almost everything except one – myself. Everything has changed. And I guess I’m seeing things a whole lot differently from when I was younger. But this new life, this new love, these changes couldn’t quite satisfy me. I seem to still want something I know not what. And even if I try hard to ignore this emptiness, I am still not able to overcome the pain that’s inside of me. Day by day, I exist with one thought, “happiness is what’s in front of me… I only have to open my eyes to see, ” hoping that somehow I’d understand. Easier said than done. The more I try to open my eyes the more I did not want to see. It’s enough for me to know and see once. I need not have to see again and again, for every day of my life. Torture. Each day finds a new way to torment me. And I haven’t changed one bit, in heart and soul. Not one bit, except that I’m much stronger now and much much more wiser. Faith and courage is what keeps me.
Life had always been beautiful and kind. In spite of all the pain, in spite of all the emptiness I would still choose to go on, even if only for being alive itself. I’ve been blessed with so much of what life has to offer. A good mind, good heart, good family, friends, love, education but still, it doesn’t seem to fill in the emptiness. Life is not perfect – never was and never will. I did not want it to either. All I ever wanted was all I could never have, all I could never be. Sadly. I, of all people, was never perfect. I am imperfect in every way. But I do not yearn for perfection, only completeness.
Well, nothing’s changed. I’m still me. That’s a good thing, I guess. Permanence is one uncertainty that I should have to deal with for the rest of my life. And Love. Was it ever permanent? I shouldn’t say so. Coz if it was, then maybe things would somehow be different.
I never understood love either. What’s up with love anyway? We have to admit, It does make you do crazy things...you think about how fat you are or how thin you are… what you would wear to impress him…what you’d say when he talks to you…you think of him everyday, every second, every moment… darn this! And the saddest part of it is – it hurts people…not just yourself…and it hurts like no other.