How Do I Feel About Her....

I wanted to be cool and laid back
A woman who's seen it all and
Nothing and Nobody can
Rattle my cage. No way, Hosea.
I wanted to be Perfect Host
Beautiful and witty, perfectly groomed
So she'd wishfully say, 'Gee, if a
Woman like that-There must be more-
I wanted her to envy me and wish
That she had not thrown you away
Like a used paper towel wadded closed.
I wanted to welcome her, secure in you,
And me, and in us that no
Longer included her. I wanted to take
Her place and then go further, stronger
Deeper, longer. I wanted to show her
How it is to Love someone and how
Comfortable it was between us. I wanted
To show her that I could do it right -
Like a real woman could, should, must, will-
Always not just sometimes, but always.

Yet, what I found was: I was afraid of her
Of what she could take away from me.
A beginning that was precious, a beginning -
I was afraid that could be crushed and broken.
I was afraid that she could steal my place beside
You, and move you in ways I could not. That she
Knew you better and deeper and longer and
Harder and wider and deeper and I could never
Heal or replace or substitute for it. That kindness and
Loving you wasn't enough. That she could weave a
Spell and make all the days I shared with you only
A hazy mist that floats away on red tided sea-
That I would become unimportant and invisible
And something that you would be ashamed that you
Ever allowed substance in your life. That from obligation
And old charisma and half-forgotten stirrings -
You'd feel it was your duty to pass me over and take
Care of this woman who once was your wife. And die
A little from it-

I had to walk away for I could not bear to watch
the us of us die.

by Charlotte Ballard

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