Poem Hunter
How Many-
TRW (In may / Maine)

How Many-

How May times to I have to lose you to realize your not coming back
How many times do I need to cry for you and how many times do I need to pretend you didn’t love cocaine more that us kids before I realize it’s true.

How long will it take to forget you hurt me?
How long will it take to convince myself I’m nothing like you, even though I look in the mirror and I see more of you then I want to.

Why wouldn’t you love me like I loved you and why didn’t you see how much you hurt me and broke my smile.

You’re the reason I cry at night
You’re the reason I can’t fall asleep and the reason i want to fall asleep and never wake up again.
You’re the reason I fight for what I love just because you never did.

I hate that you broke my heart and I loved you with all the little pieces and you’re the reason my hearts full of pain.

Did you know that I never stopped loving you I just stopped letting it show.
Why didn’t you see that?

I can’t remember if you ever looked me in thee eyes and said I love you and meant it.
Why did you hurt me when all I did was love you?

I wiped your tears all those times but where were you when I cried

But you’re the reason I am who I am. I try so hard to be nothing like you because you broke me, you failed me and my brothers, and you hit me and made me cry. The three years that you were gone the two years you spent in jail talking to Sonya.

The letter she wrote me was bull shit its just like you to have everyone else fight your battles for you, you never took responsibility for what you did. The way she stuck up for you it makes me wonder if she knows the whole story or just your version.

Because of you I run from love, I loved you so much and all I needed was a mom and you couldn’t even give me that. I bet you don’t know that I was never that stupid. I knew when you adults lied to me I was just too young to stand up and say something.

I could be the girl to sad to give a damn but IV already been her.

How many times do I have to say I hate you before I realize I loved you to much to hate you?
How long will I pretend that I doesn’t hurt that you gave birth to me and you’re gone and I’m still living.
I want to forget that you’re the perminate crack on my heart
I want to remember the good times when you were my mom and not the bitchy Puerto Rican whose bipolar shooting up cocaine.

Because you’re a bitchy Puerto Rican whose bipolar shooting up cocaine i’m a good runner and when I play hide an seek with my nieces and nephews they never think to look in cupboards just like you didn’t.

I wish I could go to the day when I mattered to you Because All you lies you wrote me didn’t convince me that you loved me. Your actions speak louder than your words.

I wish I could go back to the day you shoot up for the first time so I could convince you not to.

Everyone looks at me and just sees a pretty face
They don’t know my life is filled with hurt and happiness that was just a fake smile tattooed on my face so No one saw I was hurting.

I wish I could go to the day you died so I could have read you my poems and then you would see just how much you hurt me and how much I loved you. I never stopped hoping that we would have our second chance.

I wish I could erase your whole existence because it would be easier to erase you then all the pain you have caused for so many people. Am I the only one who is so sensitive about losing my mother at such a young age?

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Comments (1)

this poem has painted a picture in my head of what your life must be like. i want to say im sorry, but then you would think that i was pitying you. im going to say it anyway. im sorry for the pain you feel, but i dont pity you. i dont pity anyone. i feel compassion for people, but never pity. the difference between pity and compasion is that if you have pity for someone then you feel bad for them, but you dont do anything, you go on living your life. when you feel compassion then you feel bad for the person, but you do something about it. what am i going to do? im going to do the only thing i can. im going to pray evrey night and day for you and all the others who are hurting. i know im just a stranger and you might not care about what im going to say, but if you need someone to listen or talk to then you can e-mail me. i know you just see me as a stranger and that i have no idea what youre going through and you are right. but the difference between me and another stranger is that i care. you dont have to e-mail me or anything, but just know that if you need someone to care then im here. my ears are always listening and my heart is always caring. the choice is yours. do what you feel is best. ill be praying for you. Cassidy Skelly