A Letter To My Ex.

Yesterday I deleted your number, and all of our conversations. It’s been 5 months, and I still can’t get you out of my mind, and I think about you everyday, and I am overwhelmed from looking at my future and seeing you're not there. You were my everything when my everything shouldn't have been you. Confused. Heartbroken. Ignored. I remember the day you asked me out, and feeling so insecure about the thought of ever losing you.Losing us. But look at me now, without you. I've lost you. I've lost us. And when I lost you, I lost myself. And now, October is here - May is long gone, and I am still sitting on my couch writing you letters you will never read, and never receive, because I am stronger than the replies you never will give to me.
I wish you were here though. Watching hockey games with me, oh, and always teasing eachother and taking silly pictures like we used to. I wish we could be planning out our Halloween costumes together, and going on walks in the beautiful chilly fall weather, warming my hand with yours, feeling the connection when our hands are clasped onto eachothers. Then we could go home and cuddle and drink hot chocolate and listen to the rain.
I've tried to replace you, its stupid I know. But that's how empty you made me. I got addicted to the happy feeling you gave me, and I need the feeling, so I replaced you. It will never be the same but you are replaced with a brown dog who cuddles with me, like you used to. He cares when I cry. He cares. More than you ever did. But I still loved you more, because there was something about you, the feeling you gave me. The butterflies you made me feel, the smile you put on my face, the pain you put me through in my chest, and you still do. It used to be bittersweet because I had you, but now i don't. So the feeling has restricted to pain now. I always try to fill up the empty pit you put in my stomach with things that remind me of you, but it just makes me wish you were here with me.
I know I hurt you with the way things went, I wasn't a perfect girlfriend. I got angry, I got jealous and over protective. You always thought it was annoying. I always tried to control it and I will forever be working on it. But just know I cared. I cared about you so much and i still do. I was just so afraid of losing you I wanted to be yours and I wanted you to want me to be yours. I am sorry for not being perfect and messing up sometimes, I wish I could go back and change it all. But I wish you would be different most of all, because you weren't perfect either. You gave me mixed signals. Sometimes i couldn't even tell if you wanted to be with me anymore, when you ignored my texts I always blamed myself thinking i did something wrong. You weren't there for me as much as you should have been. You didn't care as much as you should have cared. Maybe you did, maybe you have a different way of showing it, maybe you're not good at showing it, but at least acknowledge if you care for me and love me like you said you did. Because actions will always speak louder than words. I fell in love with the guy who always held me like you never wanted to let me go, but not with the man who shut me out, shot me down and didn't want to listen to what I had to say and what I was feeling. I fell in love with the random texts that said “I love you”, not with what you thought couldn't be possible because it was possible. I fell in love with your smile, your hair, your eyes, your body, your voice... I fell in love with your compliments, I fell in love with you staying up with me until my birthday, telling me i was perfect when I was feeling low. That was who you wanted me to think of you, the perfect boy. But you couldn't follow through, something, someone made you lose hope and I wish that wouldn't have happened, because I would've tried, but you didn't try, i wouldn't have given up, like you did. You were a good boyfriend though, because everybody has flaws and things they cant change about themselves, and I accepted that because I wanted to be with you, and because the things i fell in love with that you did, I loved you when you did those things because you did it all so well.
And now, tonight, I am alone. With my dog who is concerned because I have been crying a little bit louder than I have in a few weeks. This is all because I miss you. And I wonder if God will ever let us be together again, because I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over you, and if I’ll ever stop thinking of you the way that I do.
And so I cry buckets, and buckets of weeping sighs, and tears fall down my face into my shirt, and I am feeling no where near ready to forget you. I still wish you were here. I still wish you were with me.
As I tell myself 'i'm over you' all i am doing is lying to myself.I try to move on but i'm latched on to you. I'm not ready and I don't know if ill ever be ready to truly move on. Your were my first love and first loves you never forget. You'll always have a special place in my heart.
You told me you loved me. I still remember your exact words. 'You're my angel and I love you. You're perfect.' Those words haunt me now, It is a part of my past that I wish was a present. Two days later, you broke up with me. You told me you loved me, then you broke up with me. The moment that happened I knew the words that came out of your mouth were not true. Never say something to a girl that you don't mean, maybe she might believe it. And maybe she had mutual feelings, not your interpretation of love, the real love. Love itself. The love I felt every day when I woke up. Knowing I had you to call mine was the best feeling in the world. I was such a lucky girl. I wish I was that same lucky, happy girl I used to be.
The night you broke up with me was the night my fairy tale came to an ending. It was the worst night of my life. My world came tumbling down, I was in shock. Heartbroken. Tears. Tears. Tears. Tears. Sleepless nights. Sad dreams. Regrets. I've never felt that way before, I lost the one thing I loved the most. I depended on you for happiness. Before I met you, I was different. I wasn't happy. Something was missing. Then I met you. Right at that moment, I knew. I knew you were the one I wanted to be with. I felt good around you. You made me feel like there wasn't a worry in the world. I felt like I was the happiest girl in the world. And I was because you made me feel that way. I got addicted to the feeling. The feeling of being happy for once. You fixed me, you did. Then you broke me back down. Crazy how the one who made you the happiest, made you also, the saddest.

After the break up I did some things I wish I didn't do. I started getting drunk every weekend and high on a daily basis. Getting high was the only time things were ok. I had no feelings when I was high it was simply a numb feeling. And that was better than feeling pain. Better feeling nothing at all than feeling what I was feeling, the heartbreak feeling. I had no other options and didn't know what to do with my life. I had allot going through my mind, and being high relaxed me. My grades began to drop. I never saw anyone. I spent my weekends drunk or high in bed with a friend who was broken like me. My life was out of order. But I fixed up my life because I began to lose friends, lose everything even my families respect. I needed my family and close friends they were all i had. But ill never be 100 percent ok because I don't have you.
It’s weird how i see you everyday and we don’t speak a word to each other anymore. There was a point and time when we couldn't go a day without it. the way you look at her is they way i look at you. I may seem fine but i still do miss you a lot.nothing has changed. When i look at you i still think, “That is the boy i’d do anything for. No matter what he did to me. He’ll always be, “that guy”. The one i know i’ll never get over. You hurt me so much and its crazy that id still go back to you.
I don't know if ill ever love anybody as much as I love you.
You know what my problem is? I get attached, fast. And once i'm attached to someone, I do everything i can to please them and make them happy. Its never been about what I want, its always everybody else's needs before my own. I give out too many chances to you, and you quite frankly do not deserve them. You take advantage of me, I become a pushover. But i'm okay with that, because you're in my life and that's all I've ever wanted. And even if you screw me over, ill still be there for you. Because that's me, that's who i am. Once i got attached to you, you captured my heart and you'll always have a place there. That's why its so hard for me to let go.
Baby I miss you more than anything in the world and I wish we could lie in bed all day under your covers, because its cold, and i just want to keep you warm. Ill play with your hair, draw circles on your back, and kiss you over and over again.
One day though. Someday you're gonna realize. One day you'll see this through my eyes...by then I wont even be there. I'll be happy somewhere even if I cared. I know you don't really see my worth Right now, and i know you can tell I'm down and I'm not doing well. But one day this tears, they will all run dry. Someday someones gonna love me the way I wanted you to love me. Someday someones gonna take your place. One day I'll forget about you. You'll see I wont even miss you. You'll be out of the picture, and While your life will be filled with nothing but regret for letting me go, mine will be filled with nothing but happiness for finally finding it in me to walk away. One day ill be able to say ' Your first mistake was letting me go. Your second mistake was giving me the chance to realize that I am happier now without you, than I was with you.' One day when we don't talk anymore and I have moved on with my life you will remember me and how much i loved and cared about you, and you'll think 'wow, I regret letting her go.' I will be happy in the future, because god has a way of making things better in time.
Until then babe, I love you. I still miss you. I still have a little bit of hope i'm holding on to, that one day, we will find our way back to eachother. You were the right guy I believe, maybe just the wrong time. Maybe you weren't ready. Maybe life will let us try again at love.

Sincerely, the girl that would still do anything for you.

by Anonymous Teenage Girl

Comments (1)

wow that is a really good poem! ! ! i loved it! ! ! ! alwayz, nicci