I Just Might

i wanted to tell you this in person,
but i am too small to be heard.
so here is what i would say
if you could hear my words...

you weren't enough,
at least,
not for Julie,
you thought.
and i was so much like her,
that you felt small,
you felt lost.

so you decided
i just might never be enough either,
and you decided
i just might be small, too.
you convinced me that i was her.
you are a failed father.

you are responsible for
the shattering of my pretty wings.
i sit in the shards.
i sing
of my fading hope.
i wish i could show you
the world i know.

because once,
i was collapsing!
i was falling!
'i am praying'
you kept saying.
but, dad, you've been praying for
10 f.cking years,
and i'm pretty sure that
god stopped caring on the day
when Julie left us.

so try something else...
stop talking to god,
and start listening to me.

because when everything is falling
you can hear a frantic,
cry for help...
i just might tell you that i have given up.
and you'd turn me away,
and i could take a few pills.

maybe i'll think,
'with a thousand tiny beans
will the torrent stop?
with angry giants in my belly,
and magic beans,
from a box? '

you are the last place i'd go.
so you should help me.
for if i am at your feet,
it means i might weep.

and if i weep,
i will drown.
it will rain.
it will storm.
how it will pour.
it will never stop.

and the next day,
i will wake up with tubes,
and wires,
and 3 miles
between you and me.
and you won't have come to see me
so then i just might give up on you, too...

i'll forgive you for your mistakes,
but some things
are harder take back,
and it's happened before,
so maybe you should do better,
i just might not forget what you lack.

by Kitty Marie Lucas

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