I Remember

Poem By Alexandria Bellous

Remembrance Day:
I remember going to school fighting &
breaking rules. Not even caring about
what the consequences​ would come out to. I remember being told " You are a DANGER
to society.' I remember a great school
denying​ me the opportunity ​to go there. I
remember my heart shattering​ i lost the
person who understood me, and meant the
most to me. I remember cutting​ my wrist up,
because of the pain​ consuming me day
after day. I remember wishing i could see my
dad, but i soon learned that he wasn't shii,
and that i couldn't count on him. I remember
suffering ​ from depression. ​Not being able
to happy​, feeling alone.​ After years of
holding shit in, the depression turned into
full on aggression. ​I remember doctors
prescribing me to all kinds of med​s.​ I
remember being in PBH and almost dying. ​I
remember fucking with niggas, looking for
some type of love​. I remember finding the
love of my life and being off and on with
her​…. For my stupid mistakes​...i remember
telling my family i liked girls ​i also
remember being told " that's not right.." ​ I remember spending nights
thinking about the love of my life. I remember my beautiful princess
telling me i had changed​. I remember
blocking​ her out, caught up in my feelings.….I remember smoking my problems away … i
remember the temporary happiness i felt. I
remember breaking up​ with the love of my
life … I remember losing my mind completely
without someone to keep me sane​. I
remember laying in my bed numb​ from
taking 12 sleeping pills. ​I REMEMBER people TURNING THEY BACK ON ME, LEAVING ME
STUCK FIGHTING MY BATTLE ALONE​. I REMEMBER
WALKING OUT IN FRONT OF BUS HOPING I WOULD
GET HIT, BUT IT STOPPED… i REMEMBER losing my
sanity over my uncle's death​. I remember
wishing i could fade away ​in my sleep. I
remember coming to school hating every
minute of every class. I remember feeling
my heart shatter after i lost​ every ounce
of trust​ i had in ONE person. I remember
taking 15 sleeping pills​...I can't help that i'm stuck​, my
depression is devouring​ me daily. Please
don't feel sorry for me, I'm FINE. ​I may look
mad​, but i'm not. I'm just so numb that idk any
emotions. I've fallen content to depression
, anxiety.​ I may be cool asf but YOU will
never see the battle Scars ​i have grown
into. Sometimes i may smile and laugh but
deep inside​ i have pain ​that eats away at
me daily, memories replaying​ themselves in
my head day and night…….. But i must reassure
you that i'm perfectly Fine. ​I remember being
molested​ at age 5 and going through
constant sessions of counseling....I REMEMBER HOLDING ON TO THE SITUATION FOR YEARS. I REMEMBER THINKING IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.....
I remember being bullied in Elementary school, i remember getting jumped on the bus in 5th grade. I remember feeling ugly...telling myself that i wasn't going to amount to anything...all because that was what i was told.

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