I Want To Be Worshipped, Wrinkle-Free

I’m blonde, green-eyed and gorgeous
I have a perfect figure
A fabulous complexion—Wait!
What is this on my face?
Oh, my God! It’s a WRINKLE!
I need my plastic surgeon NOW.
Laugh lines? I’ll never laugh again.
I’ll wear sunglasses and a big hat—
No one will recognize me.
What kind of a life is this?
If I cry, I get lines.
If I laugh, I get lines.
If I lie in the sun, I get wrinkles all over.
My plastic surgeon is the only answer.
I don’t ask for much in life—
I just want it all. I want everything...
Except death.
I’m not in the mood to die.
I’m too beautiful for that
(Thanks to my plastic surgeon
And the fact that I’ll never cry
Never laugh, and never ever
Lie in the sun again) .
What’s a girl to do?
I’ll do anything to stay perfect.
I’m convinced that in another twenty years
They’ll have the answer to eternal youth
And that’s the only thing I’m dying for.
But if by chance a horrible mistake is made
And Death does pay an unexpected visit
Don’t even think of cremating me.
For one thing, I’m not a smoker.
Smoking causes lines—
And fire’s worse than the sun.
Oh God! Don’t bury me in the ground, either.
Dirt clogs the pores...
And how I hate blackheads!
No, forget this getting rid of me stuff.
Just prop me up in a corner,
Put a glass of Pepsi in my hand,
And call my plastic surgeon.
He’ll know what to do.
He’d better!
I’ve paid him enough over the years.
And he knows I’ve got plans.
No, I won’t let death slow me down.
I’ll still want it all
Like I want it all now:
I want a Rolls Royce
I want a mansion
I want maids and butlers to wait on me hand and foot
I want everyone to worship me as I worship myself
I want them to create altars
And light candles around my picture
(Just like I do: morning, noon and night—
I am wonderful after all) .
Yes, I deserve everything
If I can get it
And I’ll get it
One way or another
But most of all
I want to be worshipped, wrinkle-free.

by Marilyn Yvonne Ford

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