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Poems
Living Hell
CS (19-06-1969 / Adelaide - Australia)

Living Hell

Our minds choose to let go of hidden memories,
at times least expected.
10 years lost - lost in the confinement of walls -
built up so as to never see or never feel the reality
of the pain once inflicted.
Maybe at this point of change within my life,
i needed to face this personal nightmare,
without the path of self destruction -
which continualy blocks my vision toward true happiness.
My mind now gives me back these years,
this time not to view from a spectators safe distance,
but to now feel the emotions that complete this memory.

Abused - scared - my own self not yet discovered,
was stolen from deep inside.
My heart crushed,
my mind tormented,
my body battered from head to toe.
Beaten - abused - as though a possesion,
owned by my abuser.
Never enough strength to leave,
scared to death of the outcome of escape.
Left behind only an empty shell.
Only to step from one hell into another.

My heart foolishly trusting again,
now hating the image that was my own reflection.
Once again i allowed myself to become a victim.
Feelings of disgust - of hurt - and sadness,
a deep acheing pain consuming my entire being.
Years of this cycle - anger - hatred - betrayel - pain.
Until drugs came into my existence,
and miraculously took away all the bad feelings.

As the needle entered my veins,
years of misery was flooded and overcome -
by the warm rush of a chemical substance -
that ran through my blood.
This began the years of self destruction.
This abuse i chose for myself -
for once i was in control,
or so i thought.
Faster than a rollercoaster ride
speeding down the big dipper
addiction gained the power and strength
over my weakened mind and soul.
This ride picked me up and took me
to the darkest, coldest, sad, suicidal hell ever imagined.
When the ride stops -
and there is nowhere else to go but up,
death seems the easier option.
Up is a very long way
when there is no light to lead the way.
If i looked around this space
I could see pitch blackness,
the only thing visible was myself.

I turned my focus within and discovered-
my soul.
It was here finally i saw the beginning of a journey.
One which allows me to collect the shattered pieces
of myself -
and place them back together to form a ladder -
of strength and confidence to rise above the hell hole,
to finaly gain the knowledge to become complete.
Every step up a struggle-
each one allowing me to take from the negative experience
a positive outcome -these became the building blocks
i used to build the wall around each and every
bad emotion i had suffered.
This wall became my tower of strength
and the structure i used to climb to the top-
of this my personal struggle.
Now for the first time in my life-
i could see me.
In the now bright warm light all around me-
i could see direction.
A new existence - with no boundaries.
A life that is my own.


September 2003

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Maya Angelou

Phenomenal Woman

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