I Swear I Loved You

Strange how endings come and go.
Then come again just one last time.
Before 'goodbye' I did not know
We need a reason for each rhyme.

When first did bud these thoughts of mine?
These thoughts of lonely sorrow?
And why is it that when I did pine
I chose only to burrow

More deeply-farther! -into myself,
To rebuild all my walls.
To create for us both a dark, deep wealth
Of loneliness. Why'd I not stall?

I could have kept pretending,
Acting like I cared.
If I'd stayed a little longer
I still would have you here.

Have you to touch and kiss
And your arm to cry upon,
Your strength to help me lift
All of my heavy burdens.

My heart stopped acting like it loved,
It felt little, if at all.
It rudely shoved you far away,
Forced you to let me fall.

I remember telling others,
'The time has come to say goodbye.'
That there were new would-be lovers,
That'd we'd already broken in my mind.

But now that we have parted
For the third and final time
It feels real! and I shudder.
I can't leave the past behind.

It's finally all real to me.
I'll never have you there.
We'll never be what we used to be.
We're both alone and scared.

Scared to never find another.
Scared of coping with our loss.
Scared to feel and scared to hope.
Scared enough to toss

Away all that we once had.
It's our hearts on this here line.
At last it seems he's moving on.
So why's this the first time
I've cried...?

These tears are for the love that I stupidly let go.
These tears are for the pain I've cause and the sadness you now know.
These tears are for my lonely, sad, self-hating kind of ways.
I don't know what these tears are for. I think it's time I bathe.

I think It's time I wash,
Wash away my sin.
Wash away my sorrow
And all the 'nothing' I live in.

Standing in the shower now
I look up and I see
Clear water shooting from the spout
Unable to cleanse me.

by Kathlene Ann

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