My Guardian, The Monster

Perched in my place upon the floor, no one understands.
Why I am where I am.
Wishing I could live a totally different existence.
And they'd all miss it.
I put it all out for every person to behold.
I am not composed of gold.

Found myself wishing, sympathy fishing,
Problems I'm listing, venting double fisting.
No use resisting, compassion enlisting, I just want to hear that they miss me.
Devious smiles glistening,
As they're all listening.
Empathy I'm pissing, steam boils hissing.
Because I'm a disgrace.
So I'll tell you the story just in case.

Got off the school bus, one more time because I must.
Dreading my father's rage in a drunken fuss.
Climbing down the stairs, stepping onto the road,
Making my walk of shame, that no one even knows.
It feels like I'm leaving all the people who could extend their hand.
And take me away from this drunken abusive man.
Keep in mind, no one is ever what they seem.
Sometimes revenge is only in our dreams
But I'm tired of the puffed up lips, disenchanted by the black eyed bliss.
Dragging myself across the street, the barking dog on repeat.
The neighbors from next door,
And their pet I abhor.
I throw rocks at him, kicked his ribs cussed and then,
Darted through my gate, locked myself in my room and sealed my fate.
I challenged him, my provocation laid out on the plate.
I didn't hear another sound until a quarter till 8.

Rumbling, fumbling and drunken stumbling.
The breath of the devil who drank his own piss.
The slobbery words and his version of a kiss.
A father's love, leaving me with disdain.
Hiding from a monster, the barer of my pain
Deals it to me, serves it on a silver platter.
Because how I feel just doesn't even matter.
Bellowing my name, come and get what you deserve.
The pain you feel doesn't match my hurt.
The longer I hide, I know it's gonna get much worse.
So I'll take you forward in time with this next verse.

Kicks off the knob, breaking the hinges from the wall.
Tears apart my dominion, I didn't answer his call.
Flips my mattress, for the flak I'm catching.
The fear of his embrace is chronically everlasting.
He snatches me from my hiding place,
The nightmare has come to show it's ugly face.
Clawing to try and get away from him,
The death grip has clamped my ankle again.
Throws me down, into the chair,
Splitting me into thirds with his disappointing glare.

My father looked at me and this is what he said.
He said son,
None of us will ever be the same, son, because,
You've disgraced me and disgraced our whole family.
Now I'm stripping you of my blood and our last name, casually.
Because our reputation hasn't been the only casualty.
I'm not angry because I want to be angry or because I hate you.
I'm angry because I love and care about what you do.
He proceeded to lash out at me physically,
Blaming me for all his problems, realistically.

There aren't words in the dictionary, or enough languages to properly convey.
How much I fucking hate you for treating me that way.
How could you?
How could you do that to your blood, A spitting image too.

Damn it, dad, I'm your fucking son.

I grow up in your childhood home, I have your face.
For Christ's sakes I bare your name!
So when you bottle up that anger,
Beating up on your wife and kids like a prick.
Getting under our skin with words that stick.
When you feel it in your knuckles,
You make me meet my maker.
Knocking me delirious, and I drop like an anchor.
I go to war, every single day.
Mark my words, you're gonna pay.
You leave me in a pool of my blood and spit.
Spelled out love with the imprint of your fist.
I'll hand it to you, that's one hell of a kiss.
A void that I'll never realize how much I miss.

Father, I love you.
Father, I need you.

My past is eating away at the shadow of my mind.
I can only escape it if I take my life.
You were never the angel I needed you to be.
I just hope before you die you open your eyes and see.
I hope I go to hell, so we can finally come to terms.
So I can watch the devil as he beats you much worse.
As dad pisses himself on his knees.
Nervous breathing, a hearts frantic beating.
Nowhere to go, there's no retreating.
Until he's crippled and bleeding.
A burning spirit, my peers don't hear it.
But I'm still alive, however, so all I do is fear it.
Keep in mind, no one is what they seem.
And sometimes revenge is only in our dreams.
I wake up screaming, I pack up, I'm leaving.
There's a note left on my bedroom door,
I saw it only because I stepped over it on the floor......
It started with "I promise, I won't hurt you no more."

I read on....

It said son....
I've drank too much and I'll never be the same.
I've disgraced you and disgraced our whole family.
Now I'm seeking help, leaving you all with nothing but my name. Dramatically.
Because our reputation hasn't been the only casualty.
I'm not drinking because I hate you, or because I like to beat you.
I'm drinking because I hate me, don't forgive, I don't expect you to.
I drank so much until I lashed out at you angrily and physically.
Blaming you for all my problems, realistically.

by Cody Grace

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