BB (1983 / Houlton, Maine)

My Inner Demon

It all began with a depression
This mood I couldn't fight
I had this feeling deep in me
That something wasn't right

I really tried to fight it
But I only felt defeated
This disease was taking over me
And I knew I couldn't beat it

My body is weak and tired
And my body is rejecting food
This really serious disease
Is even starting to affect my mood

I'm always feeling on edge
And staying focused isn't great
I always feel insecure
When anyone notices my loss in weight

When I try to eat
I pick it all apart
Counting all my calories
Right from the very start

Each day is getting worse
And I keep asking over again
Why is this happening to me?
When will it ever end?

I feel like food is evil
It dominates all of me
Why can't I be normal?
Like everyone else can be

My disease is getting worse
I'm afraid that I might gain
That feeling of being full
Really drives me to be insane

Sometimes I try to puke
Or take laxatives to lessen the feel
Relieving the pressure of being full
After each and every meal

When I eat and I feel full
I want to run until its relief I find
It feels like spiders crawling all over me
I feel like I'm losing my mind

I start shaking really bad
A diet pill is what I need
I can't stop until I get it
This urge I need to feed

I know you probably think I'm crazy
It's not easy though you see
But how I even got this way
Is this demon that's inside of me

It's a reoccurring battle
I feel ashamed in every way
But It's something critical I live with
Each and every day

I don't need people nagging
And telling me what to do
Unless you've ever had this
You don't know what I'm going through

People just keep telling me
This is all just in your head
That's not what I need to hear
Can't you just be supportive instead?

Sometimes I become quite distant
And not myself it seems
Talking and acting different
This is just what it does to me

I've been down this road before
It doesn't just disappear
But every time it comes back to me
It's one of my biggest fears

You don't get to many chances
With this battle to overcome
Sometimes I cry because I'm scared
That it's a battle that can't be won

I'm really really trying
I'm fighting it everyday
Always asking and wondering
When will this ever go away

I've always tried to stay alert
This disease that haunts my past
Wondering when it resurfaces
Will this be my last?

The truth is this simple
Am I strong enough within
To fight this battle and come out on top
Or will this demon inside me win?

by Beverly Brown

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