( / Hull, East Yorkshire, England)

My Neighbour Is A Farmer

My neighbour is a farmer, he has a hundred cows
Every night we’re lulled to sleep by choruses of moos.
They come out in the morning and back they go at night,
There’s big ones and smaller ones but all are black and white.

How he knows which one is which I really cannot tell,
But all of them he knows by name, Daisy and Tinker Bell.
If one gets up in the morning and says it’s feeling ill,
It’s put in a cosy paddock and treated with a pill.

Of all the farms in Yorkshire, this is the cushiest number
And cows queue up to join the herd at Kilnsea by the Humber.
The grass is good, the grazing fine, in the fresh sea air,
It is a bovine paradise with views beyond compare.

They’re regular as clockwork going from farm to field
Filling their four stomachs to boost the farm’s milk yield
It is a healthy life they lead with nothing much to fear
But when they cross the road, there’s always one with diarrhoea.

The milking parlour’s spotless, famed throughout the land
And only when the power’s off does he have to milk by hand
Then all the folk of Kilnsea stand by with bucket and stool
Ready to give a helping hand before he loses his cool.

Andrew Wells of Westmere goes up and down the road
He sits in his blue tractor carrying some load
Just where he’s bound and what he does I’m never very sure
But I suspect it’s something to do with cow manure.

Cows are bread and butter but there’s time for fun and games
The Bannister Street Band they hope will make their names
Andrew is the vocalist in this Withernsea band
Wowing all the groupies at many a one night stand,

The Wells are a talented family, at the fiddle Tom is great
Hear ma, the new Larry Adler and sis’ rehearsing her debate
While dad is plucking with his plectrum and looking at the score
With these moos and caterwaulings I find it hard to sleep, next door.

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