My Preferences

Poem By Gencay

Today I don't know if I'm happy or not.
I noticed that the love, which haunted me since my first education, was slowly getting off my collar today. I wouldn't love it anymore, I wouldn't miss it, I wouldn't dream. Therefore, I would not suffer for the sake of love. I was free now, the doors of the cage in me were wide open. I knew that the thing called love had made me this sluggish. I was like a ninety-year-old man out of jail. A man without family, who has neither a person nor a material asset behind him. I suddenly found myself kneeling at the doors of my heart's cage, like a man who did not know where to go, who had no one, and who was not holding hands.

My first job was to light a cigarette. In my old clothes, I sat on a curb to relieve my aching knees from crouching. The season was summer, the weather was cool and hot. After thinking for a few minutes, I had nowhere to go and nothing to do, so I forced myself slowly towards a quiet place to spend the night. Above, the sky was bright, shining brightly. I sat in the shade. It was painless. Not even the slightest noise of the wind was making. And in such environments, we only hear the voices of field beetles, whose names we don't quite know. I was hearing it too. Flies would come and land on my face, I was not even able to drive him away. I wanted them to eat, eat me, eat me, drink my blood. At one point I fell asleep and had strange, intermittent nightmares. When I woke up, I went to the flowing spring a little ahead and washed my hands and face. I drank a sip of water. When I saw my reflection in the accumulated water, I froze for a moment and stood there. Was that me My beards and hair were white, my face and forehead were wrinkled. My eyes, my eyes had lost their color, voice and vitality. A feeling of emptiness, a fear, suddenly flowed down my heart. Suddenly, two drops of tears flowed from my eyes without knowing why. I thought the spring was cursed and left. Maybe I was the one who was cursed. So suddenly it got dark, I threw myself under a tree all alone. I did not sleep until the morning, I thought.

And I realized that this cage turned out to be my home. I, with a matryoshka in it, apparently accepted that cage as a part of me. I have spent my entire life in my cell with a matryoshka from which only you come out of every stage. I realized that I could exist only by loving you, that I could not go anywhere without you and I had nowhere to go, that I knew nothing but you until this age, that I was nothing without you. You were not mine, you would never really be with me, you would not like, but at least I would love you, you would always be in me and I knew you were there. I wrote a poem before returning to my cage;

My beautiful beautiful my beautiful
I'm not beautiful anymore
I'm old, old man
I got older by loving you
I will get younger by loving you

My beautiful beautiful my beautiful
I learned that today
I want you to know too;
"His captivity with you,
I prefer freedom without you... "

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