My Woody For Him

I was at the lumberyard last Tuesday and I bought a
piece of cedar board that has this kind of Jesus-like

image in the grain. I think with a little creative use of
wood stain and varnish I can make it look even more

like Jesus. Now, here’s my plan. I’ll start telling
people that it’s like a miracle visitation kind of deal

and I’ll act all amazed and glowing and everything.
I’m sure some suckers will want to come see it and

they’ll bring flowers and offerings and stuff. Interest
will increase even more if I can get the local TV news

to cover it. See, I figure I can charge folks five bucks
each to see that dopey board. Do you think that’s

charging too much? I know, I know, you’re going to
lecture me that it’s wrong to do this. But look at it

this way. If people come and see my little phony
wood grain Jesus, they may have a real religious

experience. They’ll probably dropp to their knees and
writhe around on the ground and do all sorts of wacky

things, and it will deepen their faith. That’s a good
thing, wouldn’t you agree? And five bucks is a small

price to pay for a religious experience that makes you
feel closer to God. Maybe I should charge ten bucks.
Twenty if they want to touch it.

by Professor Poetry Hound

Comments (6)

the saying is that as soon as you name God, God ceases to exist. as soon as you see him in a bored -> oops, board --> what then? - some believe that God is in everything so I don't know if you even need to dress up the board. Perhaps you only need a sign that says, GOD FOR THE TRUE BELIEVER- you know, something like the emperor and his clothes? Money changers, mercenaries, mocking birds....religion with the Midas touch- my 2-cents for your 5-dollars...
OH MY GOD! ! i am dying over here. this must be your best work yet, PoHo. a Masrterpiece. you've got some great ideas. ever think about starting a cult? Jake
I saw that board - http: // m=113 Strange goings on. Last year it was a toasted cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary on it. I guess I'd like to think it really is Jesus on the board. Which makes you wonder, what are we supposed to do about this? Why are we looking for Jesus in wood? Why did Jesus choose wood as a means to communicating with us? Zounds, or 'his wounds, ' as they say.
Be careful if they touch it! You might form some splinter religious group. -chuck
I don't know Prof. I read that title and was a little worried about you. A Woody? Well anyway I got to thinking about a couple of more uses for your plank. You could shape it into a paddle and let all the 'spare the rod and spoil the child' zealots use it to beat some kindness into their children. Or. You could make golf tees out of it. You can imagine what an irate golfer could say after he knocked his drive in the water. 'Jesus, did you see that'? I guess in Jesus' present state it would be a rhetorical question. And think what Jesus stakes would do to a vampire. Don't have any more suggestions but I do think you should have a slogan for selling the board. 'Jesus on a board. Believe it or knot'
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