Old People 'R' Us

There she goes rounding the corner of Regina and Curling
Their old beige Buick she drives still looks almost new
The body shop up on Independence does good work
They even give her a nice loaner to drive
While they order the new parts and fix the fender
She and her husband Frank still look their ages
Guess you can't pound out those dings and dents
And cover them with a glossy new coat of paint
Frank must have an appointment at the Optometrist
Elaine usually schedules him around ten
Between diaper changes and his pre lunch nap
She's a good woman who takes good care of her man
When that woman comes to a 'Stop' sign
I think she says a prayer before pulling into traffic
Maybe her eyes are going too
I noticed they both have taken to wearing
Those big wrap around darkened blinders
Like the ones on my old hometown's Milk horse....
It would wake us up as a kids every morning for school
With shoed hooves pounding on the cobblestone streets
Of Washington Court House, Ohio as he pulled his wagon
Full of milk and cheese
Frank told me the other day he is lactose intolerant
Said he has to be careful of everything he eats nowadays
Said Elaine just eats those prepared meals
The ones seen on TV....Say's he thinks they're made in China
Like everything else these days....
My wife tells me to go on and pass them
As she's in a hurry to get to the store before it gets too hot
She has problems with the heat rash under her big breasts
It can so severely alter her after menopause mood swings
To the point where I've seen her pick up a knife and hold it to her chest
Convincing her that Elaine and Frank would soon be turning left
Since the Doc's office is just a block away
Down that one way street behind Blockbuster's Video
And next to that new full automated bank thing a ma jig
And Elaine always turns there no matter what the sign says
When Frank shouts that she's going to miss the turn
Look out ahead
One way streets are of no concern to them
Wife thinks over the idea of getting in front
She agrees to maintain a proper distance behind them
The wife is a sweetie pie when she's cool
Tells me to remind her in the store to pick up some 'seven layer dip'
And some of them Blue Corn Chips
For later on tonight when Elaine and Frank
Come over with Amy and John for a weekly game of cards
I think to myself....
Maybe Frank is intolerant of Mexican bean dip and not milk
Hence his need for the diapers....and then I think
God look at me....I'm so damn old!
No wonder I never go to reunions or Church anymore
I despise seeing past acquaintances and old friends
I mean...what's the point of living in the past
Anymore than you have to?
Just look at Elaine and Frank...and Amy and John
My wife and I still have people we've known run into us
and we exchange all the required insurance information with them


(2007)

by Ted Sheridan

Comments (4)

another 'harsh truth' classic. Left me laughing, tho.
great read I didn't want it to end
This is so hysterical it leaves me thrilled to know I don't wear diapers, still waiting for those horrible sweats....milk wagon I find intriguing for we didn't have them this away, instead it was the Sealtest Milk Man Truck and Viking Bakery, and George the vegetable man & even Friendly Ice Cream...forgot about all those guys in trucks visiting 'Mom' once a week....But most of all and this could just come to be.. you're title here is a story in itself and I truly believe that In that Name a NEW BUSINESS could begin and not only bring success but be a hoot....phew! ! ! ! ! can I ever talk too much.! ! this was beyond entertaining a great 'lift your spirits' with laughter story...Geez, you can tell some good ones...~~marci.xo. :)
A delightful piece! Loved it!