Everyday, I would watch the sun creep into the sky and then vanish
by Armani Poindexter
As if it had never been there to begin with.
With each revolution of the sun, I knew a day had gone by
Without it, I probably wouldn't remember to walk away from the window
You see, when I was younger I would sit by the window
Opening and closing the blinds to see if you had arrived yet…
I would watch as the neighbors would come and go as they pleased, mothers and fathers with their children, without their children, or individually.
I'd watch all of the different cars come from around the corner, thinking 'Maybe he will take another route here.' or 'Maybe he wasn't home, so he has to come another way.'
I have six windows in my home and one glass back door. Two of these six windows I'd use to look out for you.
These two windows became my hope.
As I sat there, willing for you to come through the parking lot of my worn down townhome complex, I would think to myself
'He's coming. He has to be coming. He said he was.'
I remember saying it so much that it became my own personal mantra.
You'd say 'I'm on my way. I'll be there as soon as I'm done here.'
And I'd get excited.
The busted and ripped blinds look as though they've been through a natural disaster,
Made by a little girl who was about 5 years of age
And over the course of 6 years they would continue to take the abuse of a little girls hope.
Now, of course you didn't always forget me. You didn't always leave me at the window until 9 O'clock at night.
Instead, I'd call and you would cancel.
You'd tell me, 'Oh, something happened baby. I'm so sorry. I'll come and get you next weekend.'
I would hold on to your promises, but your promises were like empty sea shells left by some crab who'd outgrown the size.
I never once dropped hope that one day you would actually keep your promise.
Friday has finally came and I sit by the window.
Again, watching these unfamiliar people get into unfamiliar cars, an action starting to become familiar.
I began to know their movements, I started to memorize the faces of those who lived near me, their house number, how many children they had, if they had children, what color their car was, the exact time they'd leave every Friday evening, who they brought home when they came back, if they were friendly, if they had relationship problems..
I began to know their smiles.
I began to identify these people by their laughs.
These people who have a purpose.
These people who knew what being loved felt like.
And even as the years continued I believed that you would stay true to the promises you'd make me.
However, I found myself losing the trust of others around me.
As if, I had to find another source for the hope I was running out of.
I had to steal every last fiber of the trust that I put in others because yours ran out.
I began to push these people away and it turned out that I'd never get them back.
I am 17 now.
I still have to get reassurance from those around me that they will never leave me.
Sometimes they still do, and they leave me with an ache so familiar to same feeling you give me every time you let me down.
So thanks Dad.
For making it so hard to step away from the window.