DR (09-11-1982 / London, England)

On A Raft Of Panic And Anxiety

The morning sun is rising,
It must be that time again,
The setting in of the enveloping pain
Cold breezing in through the window
Shivers me to the brain
One pill or two
3 takes away the pain and lifts me up in the air
My head grows lighter and my sights are easier to see
Im thinking to myself this isn’t heaven but its better then my hell

The outside isn’t so scary now,
I crawl slowly out of my shell
The street don’t seem too remember and footsteps
Lead too many ways, faces looking and staring my way
Panic is setting in, fear now is my embrace
1 pill more or two just in case
The traffic on the heavy roads echoes louder and louder

Spiralling the clear blue skys set me afire inside
Moods are definitely shifting and its frightening
I know im wrong in what im doing but what else can i do,
I have no alibi
I have no lies to tell or lies have i told
But in the masters chambers they just scratch away there pads
Asking me do i feel this or that, answers with no feed back

How many times do they need to know the same old story
Its boring to you and me, but they see the same thing echoes of a tired mind i get confused and they sit asking the same
Do you wish to take your life or made such plans
If i had would i be sitting in a empty room with a man pad and pen
The note the right i cannot see although they are all about me
Secrets kept away from me, yeah that puts me at real ease

How can i relay the seriousness of how i feel
Or the hell im still going through
When they cannot see, through my concrete shell,
Perhaps they don’t see that im dying inside
But 27 years of hiding and holding my pain
Builds a wall
If it crumbles again im lost but then they’ll see the beast
Double doors back to where i was before relax
Said the chamber man as he takes his seat
I say to him i am strong on appearance but shattered inside
How do i relay what he already suspects he knows on little pads of those
If i start all over again its will be seen as a fabrication sung
So i dwell on and on being the patient in the wrong
I hear the birds chirp the same, same old tired song

How about cbt, over and over again cbt cbt,
But when your ina dark deserted heartway theres no doors for escape
Can i walk free physically i can but mentally i cannot appease
Im happy im sad im angry im mad
But it settles down,
Self medicated to control the mind they never let themselves see

Shortened is my life, too many pills i need to be soften not told how i can be if i wanted to be
This i already know but theres barriers in the way
I need to succeed in any little thing
Relax and appease the lost sanity

Will they ever, ever listen to me
Mr and mrs phd, listen to me,
I have the pain the anxiety which dose not refrain
From taking me away from myself
After the pad has been scratched i crawl back inside my shell
And await the sun and the pain too come again
I have survived but i cant carry on this way ive lost it once before
And if happens again i wont be able to put the peives back again

Please please listen to me
Im alive but not living
If that not enough and no help is available
Then let me go and i will survive for a while
The tides will turn nd i will go far away drifting upon the sea
The endless oceans of insanity
On a raft of panic and anxiety

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Rudyard Kipling


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