Time Out (Simile, Metaphor, Alleteration Poem)

Help how much my heart hurts
my mouth is as dry as a desert
my throught is sore
my voice is a goner
my heart is beating as fast as a tiger
my hand is a rattling snake
my face is a tomato
bye bye, boring life
i cannot take it no more
i lay my head
upon my knee
now blow the whistle refree

by jana ghossein

Comments (2)

Regarding your request concerning the title...I feel like it sterilizes the freeflow surrealism that this work has. A more powerful link might be made if you used the most vivid metaphor from the work as or within the title. This would bring the readers mind into the fray instead of giving them the 'new day' happy image your current title suggests.
It seems less like waking up than drifting into a deeper dream. Your metaphors are all over the place - tentacles restrained like a dog on a chain. Walking on eggshells, seeping into foundations, forming foundations, wrapping kids in blankets, turning into ornaments. This is a very mixed up metaphor. We submerge into fire, we water ourselves and hope for an answer to spring from soil, like they did in books. I'm not sure what the rule on mixed metaphors is in poetry. Clearly, metaphor drives poetry - but there must be some point when it becomes too much?