BB (1983 / Houlton, Maine)


Why can’t I be perfect? Why can’t I be thin?
Why do I feel when I eat, like I am committing a sin?
I count my calories each time that I eat
And force myself to vomit each night before I sleep

Sometimes I refuse dinner and exercise until I’m weak
I’m afraid to gain a pound, and if I do then I will freak
I look in the mirror and I hate what I see
Why can’t I be this model in a pair of size 2 jeans?

I feel like I’m being judged, on how I appear
Ashamed of myself, filled with guilt and with fear
I sneak diet pills for meals and laxatives as a snack
I don’t enjoy anything I used to. I’m moody and I talk back

My friend’s say I need therapy, but what do they know?
They don’t know how I feel. They can’t even begin to know
This demon inside of me, pressuring me to look great
Disgusted with my appearance, filling me with anger and hate

As months pass by and the pounds shed off
My nails become brittle and my focus is off
Is this fantasy to be perfect going to make me pay?
Have serious consequences that won’t go away?

I’ve been diagnosed with anemia and my organs are shutting down
My esophagus is ruined and my teeth are decayed now
I’m begging please, is this really worth it?
This obsession I have of this need to be perfect

Someone please help me. I’m not going to deny
That this disease is killing me and I don’t want to die
I close my eyes and with any such luck
That when morning comes, will I wake up?

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