(some time ago / Earth, i believe)

Poetic Elf, The….[ N O T To Be Read By "Genteel" People; True Or False? ; Bri's Meanness; Long; Original Title Was " I Hate Myself "]

I hate myself.I loathe myself.I'm the worst despicable human being, ……….
AND ‘No Other' can stand me either; we ALL [from me] feel like fleeing.
It's NOT that I've grown to be repulsive; I've ALWAYS been this way.
There's no hope I'll become ‘acceptable', as my negativity is …..HERE to STAY.

For nine months I ‘shared' the womb with my twin; she came out AFTER me.
I'd hogged Mom's placenta and weighed in at 15 pounds ……to my sister's 3.
As the doctor was about to slap me, I shouted: "I CAN BREATHE!Leave me be! ! !
A shocked expression came o'er his face before he AND two nurses did FLEE.

My mom grabbed my sister, jumped off the table, and quickly followed them.
I gobbled up the afterbirth, and burped. It was chewy and tasted like phlegm.

I checked myself out of the hospital, and crawled my way downtown.
A cop stooped to pick me up.My bites caused him to bleed and frown.
I stopped at a bar.That's when I realized I'd need to get some money.
Next I stopped at a house all lit up with red lights. A ‘broad' in heels asked: "Honey,
….where are YOU going this time of night? "I said: "I don't know", & peed on her shoe.
BUT I got hired as a guard o'er the other ‘babes', five nights a week,6 p.m. to 2.

Yeah, I got some stares at times ………………but then I just GLARED back,
I was called "Tiny", but outgrew the name as more muscle I did pack ….
on me.
I got TALL too.4 feet 3 inches at age 8.Six feet tall at twelve.
I could handle any troublesome ‘John'. [Into my past, no one cared to delve.]

I did my job, smoked, AND drank, ….and learned, from ‘the girls', some tricks.
When I wasn't working, kids sometimes approached, but with them I did NOT mix.
I never went to school, but I DID learn how to ………..read and write.
My pride and joy was my PC which I used to access the PoemHunter site.

And there, as everywhere, I was my very own despicable self.
I made up what I thought was a clever ‘nom de plume': "The Poetic Elf".
I wrote and submitted poems praising crime, lust, filth, and GORE.
But what could you expect from an ‘orphan' …raised up by a whore?

I berated ALL the other poets' poems …….at every opportunity.
I pointed out their STUPID errors, but at least I did it ….all for FREE!

I'm loathsome, hateful, …………the worst a human being can be.
I crush ants beneath my feet and shoot singing birds from every tree.
I steal parcels left by UPS and FedEx, especially near ‘the holidays'.
I'm despicable and so nasty, I KNOW, but I'm very ‘set in my ways'.

I stretch heavy fishing line across mountain bike trails.Oh what fun!
I steal clothes from nude bathers at the beach while they ….bask in the sun.
I've never paid federal OR state income taxes; I've no Social Security card.
In winter I build obscene snowmen at night, in the local elementary schoolyard.

I make needle holes in packs of condoms ….at YOUR local grocery store,
AND I cover bridges and buildings with graffiti [signed "B. Johnston"], ….AND more!
I go to every church in town and steal from collection plates on Sunday.,
I hack into the payroll accounts of corporations and make workers ‘late' on Monday.

I pull fire alarms when there's no fire, & I yell "FIRE! " in crowded theaters.
I turn off the gas at apartment buildings (5 degrees outside)so they can't use their heaters.
I cruise libraries and rearrange shelves of books and DVD movies too.
On buses and trains I spread (on the seats)heat-activated, fast-drying glue.

BUT it's ….NOT MY FAULT …..that I'm so loathsome.I can't even stand myself.
Now, I hope you have had a MISERABLE time …..reading of the life of "The Poetic Elf".


(December ….23 ……2017)

by Bri Edwards

Comments (6)

There must be much more than what you had written here It’ll need more pages for the whole truth to be clear Your lifetime achievements go far beyond all that But all having been said, we are glad you’re like that Thanks Bri
Hmmm! Is there any thing left out in this mischievous list of deeds! Your imagination definitely stretches like those barb wires going on for miles and miles. Thanks for a fun read!
Bri, you really had a field day with this one. What were you smoking...? The first few stanzas really made me laugh out loud. I think the meanest thing you did was put up fishing line across mountain bike trails. Tell me, did you think up all of these things at once, or build them up over a lifetime?
You call yourself a poetic elf…”I berated ALL the other poets' poems …….at every opportunity. I pointed out their STUPID errors, but at least I did it ….all for FREE! ”. You are not an apple but surely a bitter gourd which has its own utility. I can’t comprehend how good/bad you are! It is sure, as an emblematic human being you have adhered to your own philosophy of life. Fine, you have revealed your life story that we may like or not? ?
He was brought up somewhere else….we have heard a lot of his naughty deeds like one act you have mentioned…” I steal clothes from nude bathers at the beach while they ….bask in the sun”….But behind his every act there was a reason! (Cont..)
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