Reliving This Pain

We’ve been arguing all day
We speak of hatred words
Expressions are not blank
Full of pain and anger most
Stabbing words flow out of your mouth
But when I speak I stumble
Lost for words and thought
Our feelings are unspeakable
I manage to spit some words out
But they don’t make much sense
My voice is now a whisper
Because I’m scared of what you’ll think
My sorrow is probably helpless
I’ve hurt you too many times
Somehow I’m wishing you’ll forgive me
But I know I’m wishing deaf and blind
Forgiveness is not an option
You’re prepared to get up and leave
All I can do is beg
Place myself upon my knees

In your eyes I don’t see anything
Not a reason for sympathy
There are only feelings that you feel
Ones I don’t know how to read
In my head I’m only thinking
Is this how I’m supposed to feel?
Full of pain? Dead?
And having him not next to me?
So many reasons are being thought
Why I don’t want to let you go
But I cannot speak
As the pain continues to flow
You’ve given back my only gift
I feel there is no hope
I put my hands over my eyes
Now I feel my hands begin to soak
For the first time I’m really crying
I’m letting out all the pain
I sit here for a minute
Trying to keep myself sane
I cannot handle this awful scene
I don’t want you to see me like this
I get up and walk away
Hoping you don’t follow me
I sit on the other side
Hiding away like a deer hiding from the lion
But I hear your footsteps
I know you hear me crying
I realise it’s just not worth it
If you see me cry it’s not going to change your mind
I’m not just going to sit here acting like I’m doing fine

You take it upon yourself
And put the gift back around your neck
You place your hands gently on my shoulders
And assure me it is not the end yet
You take it upon yourself
And speak the words I don’t remember
First thing I’m crying all alone
Now your arms are surrounding me like shelter
You take me back around
Place me on a step next to you
Cover your arms around my body
I place my head on your knees to cry into
Throbbing pain is hurting me everywhere
I know it’s not going to leave
Give me an hour to cry and get back off my knees
I’m trembling with pain
My face is probably red
My eyes are feeling sore
But I’m not finished crying yet
I get up once more
You release your hands from around me
I go to take a walk
Give me a minute to breathe
I slowly hear you coming
I feel your hands around my waist
I turn around
But cannot look you in the face
I wrap my arms around you
Place my head into your chest
Tears are soaking through
Blinding me from this mess
Three words I’ve been longing to hear all day
The words I’ve just heard you said
Lets me know we’re okay
But I still breakdown instead
I don’t want you to hold me
You realise I’m trembling bad
Something is terribly wrong
In my head it’s like an attack
If you weren’t still holding me
I’d probably let go
I’d fall on my knees
But happiness would just not grow
I release myself
Leave your arms yet again
Instead of residing in happiness
I’m wishing for my death

You touch me again
And this time I’m scared
Moving away slightly
But you place your lips upon my head
Every touch is like a knife
Waiting to inflict pain on my skin
I’m not thinking clearly enough
This carefulness has just begun
I’m thinking to myself
Why would I think he’ll hurt me?
This pain has been brought up
And its pain I now feel physically
You take me away
Keeping your hands around my waist
We walk back together
Wishing we do not live that pain another day
Everything has calmed down now
But here I still stand trembling in this twist
Your lips touched mine slowly before
But really felt like a fist

That agonized, painful
Weakening and despicable day is nearly over
Although I’ll never forget the day
That you almost walked away forever
I sit here in my room
Writing this sick and terrible poem
Each word that is written is meant like I’m reliving this day
Completely over and over
I want to talk
I want to cry
Hold me in your arms again
This poem is all the pain I feel inside
Reliving these painful memories


Other poems of ORLANDO (10)

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