LC (Friday 16th October 1987 / Alexander Hospital, Redditch.)

She Had No Choice

Cry, I would like.
Cry by the bucket.
I want to shed a flood of tears.
For us.
For me.
For myself.
Yes, for myself as well.
For I feel sorry for myself.

They are there, the tears.
They are ready.
A reservoir of grief I am, that you look at and
Think: how beautiful.
What a quiet overcoming mass that can’t get away.

Open the floodgate and there’s no stoping me till I’m empty.
Until nothing is left but sludge, a high wall and a gap like this.

Cry my heart out, I want
Cry like a baby that can’t be hushed
Because thats impossible.
Because it doesn’t want to be hushed.
Later.

Yes.

Later.
But not now.

The consolation will come later when all the water has gone.
The consolation will be there.
When all the water has gone, there is only consolation, I do know that.
But for now, it must flow, unstoppable, flow it must.
Without a reason because the reason is too big, the reason is
Too much, cannot be grasped, is colossal but not important.

And I try.
I’m standing right here, trying.

Doesn’t work.
Because Fear is here.

Fear is bloody fast.
Fear rushes past me, as I’m trying and
When I’m finally ready, Fear is waiting for me.

“First” says Fear.

He is too fast for me.

Fear for that gap.
The yawning gap, after I’ve run empty.

And too high a wall.
A far too high a wall.
A mega wall.
A wall with a yawning gap and on top of it is your self-
Confidence.
You put it there.
Before. Too be sure.
But with all the water gone, you can’t reach it anymore.

I’ll never get there.
It is too big.

I stop trying.
I give up. I stand.
Just like that.
I stand.
I even smile a little and say that I love you.
Me too, He says.
He smiles
I smile.

We smile at each other.

He has a beautiful smile, I think, and I broaden mine.

Two smiles in our living-room.
One stands, the other sits on the couch holding a book.
They’re looking at each other and they both know that something
Has got to happen because you can’t keep it up lest they freeze
And die.
Smiles know that.
Smiles know that they can’t last.

So, one goes on reading and the other one keeps standing
And wonders if He also has a reservoir like that.

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