So And I Love Him

So and I love him,
And it hurts me,
Not just on the inside either,
As I have found myself over the years in the emergency room at the hospital,
Crumpled at the bottom of the stairs,
And, the most surreal of all, having my picture taken by a crime scene investigator,

I remember how bright his eyes were,
How soft his cheeks were,
I used to try to kiss them over and over,
He always pulled back,

I wish I could pull back,
And then I hate myself,
And then I hate him,
And then I love him more because I feel guilty,

He is a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde kind of guy,
He is so wild inside,
It makes me hurt for him,
Even as he is smashing a candle holder into my face,

The way I feel about him is so strong,
Real love, that welds your heart to someone so seamlessly that it is impossible to break the connection without cracking the fault lines of your soul,
And every clichéd saying, about loving someone no matter what and forever,
Is so true, and so hard, and I hate hate hate this, but I need it more,

And I watch the other two begin to pull back,
Begin to build up damns to stem their love,
But mine still roars, rushes past and wipes away my memories of the badness,
I don’t know how to pull myself back,

Love is a dark dark red,
Like my blood, which has trickled out of my body because of him on numerous occasions,
It is all instinct and no reason,
It is my deepest truth,

And my love for them is as fierce and unreasonable as his temper,
Because you can leave mean lovers,
You can divorce abusive husbands,
But Families, no matter how broken, are forever,


Even in emergency rooms, at the bottom of the stairs,
Even when you’re giving a victim’s statement to a law enforcement officer,
Even as you begin to think you could choke and die on your own resentment,
I love him, I love them, and as it breaks me, it holds me together

And I am no Indian giver,
When I love, I love for keeps,
So and I’ll love them forever and always, regardless of the cliché,
So and I love him, regardless of the pain.

by Catharine Macauley

Comments (2)

You have presented in a dramatic way a love story. All the feelings in your heart come out simultaneously clashing each other, like love and hate. I like very much your presentation of each episode in your own unique style.
Although the poem is haunting and disturbing, I love you bare honesty. Your writing is conversational and accesable. A great write, I love it. ~Ray