To My Miyu

It hurts me,
To see you hurt.
When your eyes tear up,
I feel its my fault,
Even if it isn't.

When you look at me with those eyes,
The eyes that can see my anger,
I can not see anything,
Except what I have done to you.

I've killed my chance with you.

When I fucked up,
You should have kicked me out.
But you didn't.
Why?

Do you not see? That all I do is bring you pain?
Even if you do see,
Why do you still care for me?

I thought...
That you wouldn't take this,
Even if it was from me.
You said 'If any man dares to strike me,
I will dropp him like a stone.
I will not take that shit from anyone! '

But you still try,
You try so hard to keep me happy.
But when you do that,
It makes me feel useless.

You and I were great friends.
But now...
We are much less.

Please,
Tell me why you put up with me,
My attitude,
And my nonsence.

I want to know,
I want to know why you care,
So much about me.

Just look at me.
I am as black hearted as night,
While your heart is the first ray of light.
I am someone who no one can love,
While you have a crowd of friends.
I belong to Hell,
And you belong to Heaven.

My rage tends to fly,
Lashing out at anyone it comes neer.
But you keep yours in check,
Under lock and key.

I can't take it!
I can't sit back and watch you in pain.
But I can't eather.
For each time I try,
I just bring you more pain.
I want to be with you.
I want to hold you.
I want you to feel safe,
When I hug you.
But I don't think I could ever do that.

I've made so meny mistake.
I don't want you to get tangled up,
Inside my web of lies.

Don't say you can heal.
Don't say you can deal.
Just don't say what you can't do.

I asked you once,
Do you remember?
I asked you to be my bride.
I told you I'll do you good,
Never harm you,
Or ever make you suffer,
The way that I have.
I think...
I may have lied.

You understood me.
And you understood my pain,
Because you have felt it too.
You never judged me,
You never said 'I hate you.'
And for that we are close.

You asked me once,
It was a year ago,
'Will you be my groom? '
I never answered,
When you said that.

But I have to answer that question now.
My answer...
Is no.

It is not because I don't love you,
Because i do.
It is because,
I can't ever make you smile,
The way you used to.

Your smile was so warm,
And without a care.
You felt calm with me.
But now you can't sit still,
When your alone with me.

I have to tell you something.
Ans that something is,
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for leaving a mark,
Eather it be physical or emotionl.
I'm sorry you have to put up with me.
And all my shit and my complaining.
I'm sorry that I laughed at you...
When you were cring.

I'm sorry that I did that to you.
Even if you say 'You couldn't help yourself.'
I'm still sorry.
Because I could have stopped myself.
But I have wanted you,
For a very long time.
My wants got in the way of commen sence.

In doing this,
I have bombed a hole in the bridge,
Of a relationship.
A gap no man could jump.

I have hidden the end of the bridge with my tears.
I could tell you,
To take a leap of faith.
But I'm afraid that if you don't land safely,
That you will never trust me again.

Please forgive me.
I have done you nothing.
And for that I cry.

Will you forgive this fool?
So that we may repare this bridge?
Or are you going to leave me?

I could see why if you did.
I wouldn't stay with someone,
That made me uneasy.
So why should you?

I want you to know,
If you do leave me I will be hurt.

I have made a mess.
And now you love me much less.
I thought that I could never loose you.
I thought you would always forgive me too.
But here I am,
Hurt and abandoned by you.
And now I must tell you my feelings.
That feeling is,
I love you.

by Rava Yamizaki

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