If Animals Could Talk: Volume Two-Updated Today Feb.2013
Two Zebra's Talking:
by Lonnie Hicks
One says: 'Where's Bob? '
The second Zebra says:
'Got caught in a rainstorm where the prediction was 'It'll be raining cats and dogs.'
'So? said the first Zebra
The second Zebra says: 'It was actually raining Pachyderms.'
'Ouch! ' said the first Zebra.
Alligator seeing his first Kangraoo:
'Biggest feet I have ever seen.'
One duck to another:
'The first one says: 'Where's Bob? '
The second duck replies:
'Ever since he lost that left wing, he's been flying in circles. Tragic.'
Two whales beaching themselves on a beach in New York:
One says: 'Now this can't be right, doesn't even look like Mexico.'
Two male whales talking:
'Not only did she leave me and take all my ambrosia, but she also stuffed socks into my blow-hole.'
Two whales talking:
'She was all upset because of my corvorting with Bertha and she ended up giving me this bucket of water for my birthday.'
Two whales following a luxury liner:
One says: 'Keep swimming and soon they'll likely through over board a coupla cans of tuna.'
'Ok next time that bear sticks his nose in here trying to steal our honey we all turn around and get our butt-stingers ready.'
Two female seagulls talking:
One says: 'Why in the world would you build your nest on the top of a street-light? '
The seagull says: 'Well its warm up there at night and because I am afraid of the dark.'
Bats talking in their cave at night:
'Ok here he comes again. This time we want to put sugar in his gas tank. And then we'll break the news to him that he's not a real bat.
Two Neanderthals talking:
'These clubs are useless ever since he invented that sling-shot gadget.'
One dejected Neanderthal to another:
'She rejected me. Said my loin cloth smelled of Mastadon meat.'
Two ducks talking:
'Every duck I know since the second amendment is now buying ammo and wearing bandaleros. The hunters are freaking.'
Two Dogs looking at another Dog walking with his master:
'Steady, steady, straight ahead. Oh, there it is. He stepped in mine, and now...yours. A double today.'
One dog looking at a Sheep Dog:
I am guessing that that dog has never seen a sheep in his entire life.
Fru-Fru dog to another Fru-Fru dog:
You know I just told her that I could fit nicely in her purse and now I get carried everywhere. Don't even need my legs anymore.
Two Dogs talking:
Ever since I had an accident in the house they feed me only dry biscuits. Now I am constipated and about to explode.
Two dogs looking a German Sherpard:
'He keeps saying that his breed is the smartest breed in the world. What, they gave IQ tests or something? 10- to -1 that dog can not read anymore than the rest of us.'
Dog-day at work and the dog is sitting in the board room with his master:
'I swear all these humans sound just like parrots.'
Two Mallard Ducks looking at Donald Duck on TV.
Now, speaking areodynamically, there is no way this Donald Duck can fly-his perky little tail just doesn't work. Have you ever seen him fly? said the first duck.
'No.' said the second duck.
'That's my point.' said the first duck.'
One mouse looking at Minnie Mouse on Television:
'Now, I ask you have you ever seen any real mouse with a ribbon in her hair? '
So I ask, what gives Minnie? '
Two deer confront one another on a narrow deer trail- each refusing to yield:
One says, 'Sorry buddy but there is no off-ramp here and there is no shoulder on this road. Flip you for it.'
Hunter rushes up to a Stag and a Doe saying:
'I am going to bag me a deer today and put you on the hood of my car.'
The Stag looks at the Doe and says:
'It's for you dear.'
Two Greyhounds talking:
'Where's Bob? '
'He's in the slammer. Animal Control got him.'
Two racing Greyhounds talking:
'How's Bob? '
'The Feds got him for throwing races.'
Two Afgan Hounds Talking:
'First there was the British Corgis.
Then the German Shepards
Then the American Mutts.
Our country needs to shut the borders down.'
Fru-Fru dogs talking:
'Can't come out for a walk today. Mistress is doing my nails.'
Fru-Fru dogs talking:
'I am sick of it. Keeps posting pictures of herself on facebook all day long.'
Two Cheetahs talking:
'How can this be: We are the fastest animals on the planet and now the antelopes having taken to fleeing in a Prius? '
Two cows talking:
'It's simple she gained 500 pounds after giving birth because she has three cuds and four stomachs.'
Two cows talking:
'Whoever thought that the secret word would be 'MOO? '
Two dairy cows talking:
'Today the udders are really scrapping the ground. My nipples are raw.'
A Cougar confronting a young male hiker:
'Hey, wanna meet a real cougar? I am willing to chase after you.'
'Ok show of hands. How many of you are on your second march to the sea?
Ok, no one. Ok, that's ok.'
Mother Robin Feeding baby robin:
Baby robin says: 'I ate the worm and was hungry an hour later.
And the second baby robin said. 'And that worm gave us worms.'
Father Salmon to Mother Salmon after she has laid 20 million eggs:
'It's scary you know,20 million babies calling you dad.'
Salmon parents out for dinner:
'Mary and John Salmon: Table for 20 million.'
Two male bees talking about trying to mate with a female bee
'Watch out for her. She has a really big stinger.'
Two Bee drones:
'We ought to sue: people think we are bombing people over seas.'
Army ants on the drill field.
'Present antennas! '
Ants on an Elephant pathway:
'Here they come again. Huge feet. I told you it was crazy to build here.'
One Bee to another:
'What happened to her? '
'Sat down on the toilet and her stinger impaled her right you know where.'
Two Wasps talking about a third female Wasp:
She just flaunts that Barbie doll shape of hers-
'Yeah, ' the other Wasp says-'girl friend has a size zero waist.'
Two Antelopes are talking:
'Strangest thing: The Apes have climbed down from the trees and, get this, have taken to hunting us for meat.
'Yes, the Lions will be really upset about this. There will be a rumble over this for sure.'
Two Antelope looking up and seeing their first airplane:
'Now that is a huge vulture. We'll have to migrate early this year with that thing around. Spread the word.
Two Apes talking to a group of ants:
'I am telling you guys us apes don't hold meetings like you do and certainly don't do no voting to settle disputes. We just eat twigs and sit on our haunches until things settle down.'
Two Apes talking to two ants:
'You guys do everything together and talk is that you all might be socialists.'
Two female Chimpanzees looking at a the rear end of a female Orangutan:
'I just don't know. Looks like she plastered red and purple lipstick all over her behind. Is that supposed to be attractive? '
'And it is all swollen too.' said the second.
Two Gorillas talking:
'Where's Bob? :
'Well he got tired of foraging for food so he surrendered to the zoo people; living in Florida right now.'
Baseball scout approaching a Chimpanzee in the zoo:
'You know the way you toss feces at the tourists I think you might have a career in baseball. That fastball of yours is awesome.'
Two Chimpanzees looking at tourists at the zoo:
'They are spreading this awful rumor that our DNA and theirs are 98% the same. Ridiculous.'
Two Vultures talking:
'Have you noticed that the quality of the dead rotting meat around here has really deteriorated lately. I have.'
One old Lion to another:
'What is Bob doing:
'He bought that pickup truck and got himself a big net.
Why would he do a thing like that? '
'Well he said he was getting too old to chase all those young gazelles.
Took a page from the way the white hunters do it.'
Old Lion to another old Lion:
'Really going to have to give up antelope: too spicy for me now and too rich.'
Old Lion to another Old Lion:
'This 'Survival the Fittest' thing is a young man's game-I'm getting too old for this stuff.'
Two Alligators looking at a giraffe for the first time:
'Look at that. It walks around all day with its nose stuck up in the air.
Can't be bothered to stoop to talk to the likes of us.'
'Word' said the second Alligator.
Two Ants talking:
One says: Where's Bob?
Oh, he went South. the other Ant says: Started an Aphid Ranch.
Two Alligators are watching a Graiffe and a Vampire making out:
'I guess she gives him all the neck he could ever want.'
Two Female Polar Bears looking at a male Polar Bear:
'Didn't you two date at one time?
'Yes, he told me on our first date that his name was 'Bi.'
Found out he mislead me.
He is a Bi-Polar Metro-Sexual.'
Two Antelopes talking while being stalked by a Lion.
'What is he doing now? '
'He is still stalking us and roaring.'
'Quick show him the gun.
What is he doing now? '
Two Snakes talking:
One says: 'Really bad season last year, started nibbling on my own tail. Tasted really bad.'
The other snake says: 'Now that is an image I don't want to think about.'
A Do-Do Bird and a Bison meeting for the first time in a museum:
'Hey haven't we met before? '
Two Vultures sitting on the salt flats of Utah looking at a dead steer.
'I really shouldn't. Have to watch my salt intake. My diabetes is out of control.'
Mother Peregrine Falcon and friend watching her teen-aged Falcon son flying.
'We are the fastest birds in the world and he still can't get to dinner on time.'
Two Crows listening to a Rooster starting to crow at 2: 30 in the morning:
'God! Somebody needs to get that bird a watch.'
Two Tortioses looking at a third Tortiose:
'Just turned 150 years old a week ago and that same day got a letter from Medicare cancelling his policy. Sad.
Had to rent out his shell just to make ends meet.
Two Ducks walk into a shoe store asking to buy shoes
The startled shoesales man says:
'We don't get many Ducks in here.'
'I'm not surprized, ' said one Duck 'the ones I got here last week were iron and made for a horse.'
'Yeah.' said the second duck 'now I got these varicose veins in my web feet.
Ten chickens are crammed into a single egg.
One says: 'She should really give up the fertility drugs. This is awkward.'
'Yeah, said a second Chicken. someone's beak is awfully close to where the sun don't shine.'
Hippopotamus to God:
'It says here that my name means 'River Horse' but I have seen real horses and am convinced we have an obvious design flaw here.
No other horses I know of have to use a snorkel to get around.'
Two Praying Mantis's talking:
'So first I prayed over it and then I ate him.
That is our way.'
Hippopotamus to God:
'Tell me couldn't you have just given me one butt rather than two, and no; the Jeanne Craig membership, diet and exercise haven't really helped. Look at me.'
Hippopotamus to God:
'One last thing: If you were going to give me teeth why just two gigundus ones upfront? Tell me what is that all about? '
Dentist to Beaver:
'If you feel any discomfort just raise your left paw.'
Two Beavers talking about their mutual Dentist:
'Chipped my tooth so I slapped him upside the head with my tail. '
'Yeah, ' said the second Beaver, 'we should to that with all the Dentists.'
Two Kangraoos talking about their mutual Dentist.
One says: 'After pulling my tooth he says: 'Relax, it is all over but the shouting.'
'I was the one doing the shouting so it wasn't over for me. So I gave him a short boxing lesson.'
Two Sparrows looking at Bird of Paradise:
'You know that beak is way oversized:
The second Sparrow says 'And those Hawaiian shirt looking feathers have to go too.'
Two Horses seeing their first Rhinoceros:
One says: 'Boy the abscess on that tooth has made it pop right out of your nose.'
'Yeah, ' said the second Horse, 'we have a sword fish friend who can take care of that for you PDQ.'
'Yes, ' second the second Horse 'and our stinging Jellyfish friend will provide the anesthesia.'
'No thanks.' said the Rhinoceros.
First horse: Jeez. 'Try to do a good thing and he gets all indignant and acts just like an animal.'
Two Chipmunks talking at the funeral of a third Chipmunk:
'Two Raccoons robbed him last night saying 'Your nuts or your life.'
'Died tryng to save his nuts.'
Two Sharks talking to a third Shark:
'Am I weird or something just because I like Tuna Salad? '
Moby Dick to Captain Ahab:
'You are the weirdest dude I have ever met. What's with this harpoon thing?
And furthermore, what country is that Queegueg dude from again and boy, look at all those tats.'
Two Gazelles are looking at a sign which reads: 'First Annual All-Hippo Ballet'
The first Gazelle says: 'Humm…'
The second Gazelle says: 'Humm…'
Two Gazelles looking at a Hippotamus in the river.
'I am just glad they live in the river not on the plains with us. In that circumstance a Hippo stampede would be a thing to be feared.'
'Correct-to-Mondo.' said the second Gazelle.
Two Antelope are talking:
'Bizarre. We have to change our migration route.' said the first Antelope.
'Why? ' said the second Antelope'
'Look out there: The Lions are setting up toll booths across the route: Pay or get eaten.'
'Getting to be a real jungle out there' said the second Antelope.
Two Gazelles looking at a Lion chase another Gazelle:
'That looks dangerous some one can get their eye put out.'
Two Gazelles talking to two Antelopes:
'Well I will tell you what we did. We spread the word among the Lions that the grass we are eating is full of MSG.'
Mother Robin to Teen Robins:
'Dinner? Well, I have some nice grubs.
Or I could open up a nice can of worms for you guys.'
Gorilla and his prospective bride are talking:
She says: 'But I don't want to serve Gazelle at the reception, really heavy fat and cholesterol, Why can't we have twigs and leaves like everybody else? '
Two monkeys talking:
"What happened to the flying squirrel? "
The second monkey says:
"Bo, moved the branches on him. The emergency landing did not go well.'
Two Vultures talking over a carcass to newly arriving Vultures:
'Keep moving; nothing but leftovers here, nothing to see.'
Two Chimpanzees watching Elephants stomp on grapes:
'Fermentation takes about three weeks then we are back to do a million shots.'
Two Chickens looking a third chicken:
'Look who just crossed the road.'
Two Geese looking at a Goose:
One says: 'She just kept on laying those golden eggs.'
The other Goose says: 'Stopped now; got herself a king size case of hemorrhoids."
Two Lions talking:
'Some days the hunt is just not worth it. The Gazelles are all losing weight and super skinny this year.'
Two Gazelles talking watching the Spring Bok leap over their heads:
'You know some guys just like to show off.'
Two Beavers talking:
'Today lodges, tommorow skyscrapers made of wood.'
Two Hyenas talking about a third Hyena:
'He is one of those that laugh at anything.'
Two Horses talking looking at two cowboys:
'You know we could really lengthen our life spans if we didn't let them ride us.'
Two Deer watching a group of lemmings crash over a cliff into the sea:
'One says: Told you, the herd mentality thing can be deadly.'
Two Antelopes talking:
'Too bad: got his first antlers and challenged an Elk. Bad outcome for him.'
Two Lions on a late night hunt:
'Told you we can lose a lot more weight if we eliminate all this late night eating.'
Two Lions talking on a refrigerator magnet'
'It's not the Sphinx or anything but a job is a job.'
Two Lions talking:
'I just don't know why they think putting a light bulb over our heads helps us talk.'
Two Elephants talking looking at a Lion:
'Exactly who crowned him King of the Beasts? '
Two Lions talking:
'Where's Bob? '
'He left the jungle. Wanted to be an accountant.'
Two Boa Constrictors talking:
'Some days I just want to suck the life of everyone I meet.'
'Yea, ' says the second Constrictor: sounds like the boss.'
Two Lions on refrigerator magnet:
'To get into this refrigerator you have to say the magic words. 'Not now, come back later.'