I woke up this morning
I slipped on my jeans
I looked out my window
A beautiful day it seemed
So I grabbed me a cup of coffee
And had me another fill
Walked out to my pickup truck
But a gopher had ate my wheel!
My wife says, Would you look at that!
It seems we need a cat!
So I went to town and bought a cat
But the gopher too ate that!
I said, Well I'll be, This gophers really mean,
Like none I'd ever seen
It seems he'll eat just anything
I've never heard of such a thing
So I went to town and I bought a hound
The meanest I could find
I took him home and turned him loose
He'd catch that gopher in time
The next morning when I awoke
The hound was not around
But under a tree was that gopher
Well fed and laying down
I went back to town and told the man
That gopher he ate my hound!
I'm afraid I'll need something meaner than that
I must take that gopher down!
The store clerk listened to my tale
And said, You do have worries indeed
I'm afraid my friend what you have found
Is a gopher who lives to feed
He said my friend, I can fix you up
He went to the back and came back to me
And in his hands was this small box
With small holes so something could breath
He said, I won't tell you what it is
Just take it home and set it free
Then he charged me a hundred bucks
Said, Don't worry, it's guaranteed
So I took it home and I showed the wife
Then we took that box outside
When we opened it up out came this female gopher
With a pink ribbon and these big blue eyes
Well right then our gopher fell right away in love
We could not imagine this to be enough
But we see that gopher every now and then
He looks stressed and kinda beaten up
The moral of this story?
Well, All morals do come in time
But sometimes it takes that of a female
To sometimes keep us males in line.
copyright 2004 Bill Simmons