The Tale Of The Missionary And The Cannibals

they're coming...
and again,
I'm running!

in this leafy bower
I sit and cower
and now
is all too still
this steamy jungle
gives a chill

so here I sit in hiding,
when my fortune
went a-sliding
and thoughts unbidden
find me in this place I'm hidden

It's been a day
running this way..
my pleas of mercy were spurned
they torched my bibles, my cross was burned
I escaped my bonds while their backs were turned...

(flashback even earlier)
It was only three weeks that I'd been preaching
I thought their souls, that I was reaching
until in a moment of weakness
some inviolable bounds were breached
And I had to go to ground
after being inappropriately found
in a missionary position
making holy water
with the chief's daughter
(her own volition, her proposition!)
but a bad condition for a church mission

(back to present)
they're here!
I'll not be taken alive,
I swear!


blood running in my eyes
my situation I come to realize
vision slowly clearing
but not dead
from a spearing
hands and feet bound
captured, hanging upside down
side to side I sway
it's all going the wrong way
I remember rather fiercely fighting
before my head was hit
and fled my wits
and day went into nighting
now to the village, I discern
the cheers arise as we return

the chief pokes me like a side of beef
says t'was not my religious beliefs
but his daughter's virtue - I'm a thief
and now
the tribe prescribes a comic relief
a rather gloomy
for my resistence
in my cage I'm red with rage
when they said I'll spend
an eternity's age
as a shrunken head
on a string
what joy my little head
will bring
they guarantee
good care of me
(a red-haired head's
quite a rarity)

the medicine men are in conference
I've got a sense they're very tense
the chief shouts 'spare no expense! '
despite the scale of my offensing
this must be the best 'condensing'

to the ruins of my tent
the witch doctor's aide is quickly sent
he returns briskly
with my secret stash of whiskey
seems that this is a fine ingredient
my processing will be more expedient

yes, I think I see...
the medicine men all agree
that some alcohol in me
will facilitate the brain removal
the chief gives his plain approval
my mouth waters at the thought
(twas a fine stock that I brought!)
why not, I can't forestall my fate
I'll die in a more pleasant state



I give the chief a wittle wink
say 'Now I'm ready to see the shrink! '
I think they think I'm tickled pink
to be pickled in my own drink

Indeed, now I have no fears...
ha! t'was an affair that got me here!
I see they admire my big ears
and my strong jaw they'll try to keep
the chief's daughter no longer weeps
In fact, I see she smiles
to forever enjoy
as her own little toy
my manly profile

ok, then - die like a man
in death I'll look the best I can
heaven or hell, I can't tell
but an immortality of sorts right here, for me
where eternally they'll get to see
in an honorable place
forever preserved, my handsome face

my sanity is going
my vanity still here
I end my life knowing
at least they like my ears!

but wait!
I find troubling
that big kettle slowly bubbling
maybe harder I should've fought
for I have a last vain thought-
that my body's goin' to pot!

by Chuck Audette

Comments (7)

Ingenious! A very tasty and original version of the classic missionary in the pot tale- best I've seen!
Chuck, I would bet you thought they had some gold : At first I tried to understand, why you would bring that up, ... with the daughter of the chief, it would have been a shorter thing, ... if you said you were a thief ! I suspect they caught you coming, more than likely, just by chance, but, if you had not messed with her, ... and kept things in your pants, you would not have to try to blame poor Esther! B.V.A.
I wish I could hear this read out - it deserves to be performed. Wonderful pace and rhythm. Original, creative and distinctictly Audette! Justine
Fantabulous Chuck. Witty, clever, and choc full of imagination. Hugs Anna xxx
This is Chuckful of fantastical fun, my punning pal! ! ! ! You may have outdone yourself with this tale of Lust and Punishment! Too much fun, this, and a keeper to boot. (Only complaint: I barely helped you, so that credit is sweet but misplaced! THANKS, tho' - you're the King, all right) ! Est: ]
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