Us Lazy Slobs
Poem By Brad Evans
on that day
the private company took about 7 of us,
sat us down in a conference room
told us that the community
had grown impatient with the
20% of us and that we were nothing but beach bums, bludgers, lazy slobs
they told us that the community had lost faith in such people as lazy slobs
and that they were a complete pain in the arse because the lazy slob couldn't land a job
and needed special assistance.
the private company convenor wore a business suit and was very motivated,
he was on Prozac and his voice wavered
from a high to low pitch while he threw down some forms
he asked the lazy slobs to sign their names.
he said that this private recruitment company was a virtual Superman
and that it was going to rescue all the lazy slobs from their slobbery
by training all of them for guaranteed future employment
one lazy slob didn't sign his form
at the time he had a 5-day facial growth,
and the appearance made him a juicy target
for one of the convenors to win the other lazy slobs over.
she told them that this slob wasn't going to go anywhere in his life.
that he was a loser, a dropout, and that there was no hope for him -
most of the group signed so that they wouldn't be seen as lazy slobs
she pointed a chubby finger at the lone slob
and said that the DSS was cracking down,
that it was going to weed out all suspected lazy slobs
she waited for those who weren't lazy slobs to hand in their forms
and then asked the lone slob to stay behind
while the others were ushered out by the convenor on Prozac.
the female convenor's face grew puce as she paced around the room,
she threw the lone slob questions on how long he'd been on the dole
and what a miserable life he had as a lazy slob.
She mentioned that he was turning down his final chance to cure his deeply ingrained slobbery.
The interrogation lasted another ten minutes before the lone lazy slob was released.
those who were no longer lazy slobs didn't hear from their private recruitment company again.
the board of the private recruitment company had been given an 800-dollar revenue
government handout per signature and were now shit-faced on rum in Barbados.
the staff who'd convened the meeting are now on the dole,
with the rest of us lazy slobs.