What Is Christmas Without You?

What is Christmas without you, my love
The snow is there, the stars too
Winter has set in
The night is very, very blue.
Frosty, breezy, cold
Need the warmth of your love, my love
To thaw me down
And feel cosy at home.

I am like the icy stone
Who waits and waits and waits
On the deserted roads of lonely nights
For you to find me and pick me up
And cradle me in your arms
Trace me down with your fingers
And embrace me in your warmth, my love.

What is Christmas without you?
Have the phone on hand,
My e-mail too
Mobile is on.
And the other evening
When I saw your name on my PC
When you added me to your list of ‘Friends’
I was in tears and smiles
Accepting your invitation
To join your YM
And yet I know
I cannot go further
And write to you…

For once it starts
It starts all over
Beyond boundaries
Sans social barriers
And then we end up
Fighting over the right and the wrong
Like sorting a needle in the haystack
And then love flows out of the window
Like the thin, invisible air…
For we are left with
Who is right and who is wrong
You or me, we cannot decide.

And yet my love,
What is this Christmas without you?
Without talking to you?
I miss those fights too.
Without hearing that deep resonance
Of your manly voice
Trying to reason with the
Unreasonable woman in me.
The way you used to check your temper
By mincing out words
In hushed tones -
And the way I used to flare up
With whorish slangs of my
Slanderous tongue.

Wish I could kiss you with that
Very slanderous tongue of mine
Wish I could make love to you…
And you could feel the pleasures
Of this very slanderous tongue of mine
Wetting you all over…
The highs and lows of a graphical sketch
In the shivers and sweat of your
Orgasmic ecstasy.

I once told you, my love
I comport like a whore
Whenever I feel tempestuous and angry
My limits know no bounds
As I’ve always been the wild
Outrageous woman
When it comes to love and passion.
And they say:
Everything is Fair
In love and war.

So my love
Is it fair on me?
And is it fair
On you?
That you know
I do love you
Very, very much
And I know that you
Are missing me there
Like ever before…

And despite the phone,
The e-mail, the YM
And our blessed PCs
We still don’t communicate
Any more.

This Christmas is hard on me, my love
What is Christmas without you, my love?
And I can feel a faint feeling
That you do also feel the same
And yet and yet and yet
The mind has won over the heart
And the heart
Like a wife subjugated
Listens and obeys the mind
The always domineering husband –
Yes, the man of the house.

Be it love, passion or be it
A life-long infatuation
Whatever it is, my love
I know and I can feel
The feeling is just not right
Of you and me being
So deathly quiet
And yet, you and me
Missing each other
Forever more...

And I often wonder
If this stillness,
This pin-dropp quietness
Is like a lull
Before the storm.
Yes - a storm of love, lust and passion
That might sweep us away
Into faraway shores of
Amorous consummation.
Heralding the onset of
Commitment and Companionship
For a lifetime of
Belongingness and Bonding.

For, what is Christmas without you, my love?
Be it a love-hate relationship
And yet it exists
In subdued images
Sheltered dreams
Heart-felt feelings
And mindless thoughts.

And yet and yet and yet
However much I miss you
I cannot summon up
The forbearance to go back to you
And endure it all…
The pain and the hurt
Of being near you
And being misunderstood
Time and again
Is all too much for me now.

I am tired and weary
Like the broken soul
In a crumbling body.

So let this Christmas be mine alone
I am learning to live
With all the pain and the hurt
Of the past and the present
May be, a lot more in the future
As the days go by…
I know it gets harder for me.

But it is better to feel hurt and pained alone
Rather than going back to you
And sharing this load of agony with you
Why keep bothering you?
And causing more hurt and grief to you?

Let this pain be mine alone
And this Christmas too.
God Willing -
Some day in time
Some life on earth
If I am ever re-born
I would love to celebrate
Christmas, everyday of my life
With you and you and you alone.
To make up for all what I have lost
In my love and passion for you -
And the many years of Christmas
That have passed in this life
Without you.

For, what is Christmas without you, my love
What is Christmas without you?

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