BB (May 21,1954 / New York)

What's Inside

For what I hold inside
these thoughts and feelings of mine
only time will let out.
Think what you will of me,
only time will tell if you are right or wrong.
I know what I hold inside.
I'm sorry if I can't let you know right now.
I find it hard to tell anyone.
I'm caged within myself.
It's hard for me to confide.
To let myself be known to others.
The doors are locked to my true self,
until I can feel secure enough to open them up.
That's it right there.
Too many things make me feel insecure.
Too many downs, causing many depressions.
They hold me back from opening up.
I overhear some of the things that are said of me.
It hurts to learn of them.
If you have anything to say,
please say it to me and not behind me.
It hurts to find it out any other way.
Then, maybe, I can get myself together.
But then, what is getting oneself together?
I am together in the state of mind I'm in.
I'm sorry if I don't stand up to your idea of a together person.
Don't degrade me because of that.
I refuse to change myself to your standards.
I just want to be able to open up to people
without them laughing at me on the inside.
I cry on the inside to think that you are laughing at me.
Yes, I do open up once in awhile
to whomever is with me at the time.
A little bit of what's inside escapes
only to find out that I have to close the doors.
If only I knew that I could let what's inside out
and have others know - that's just me - the way I am.
Don't put me down because you don't agree.
Just realize that I can change what's inside in time.
When you can bring yourself to talk to me
without thinking any downgrading thoughts,
or subjecting the conversation to what you've heard,
maybe then, you'll come to know,
that what's inside is a person who wants to be at ease
with himself, and you.

by bob barci

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