LA (June 8,1991 / Toronto)


I wish I knew how to take control and demand what I desire from the world and its people.
I go for most dreams if I believe they want to come true.
The walking contradiction that I am is that I don't want anything in particular,
because I desire everything.

I will not seek or ask things of those or others
if I doubt their intentions.

I doubt often.
I expect nothing.

If you loved me yesterday
you may love me today
but tomorrow the sparkle will just be another speck of dust in the past of normality.

I do not wish to be compared to glitter and shimmer. Wipe away the dust and you will find a diamond.

I envy he, who walks the walk and talks the talk with the heat of fire
and the flame is real and bright.

In contrast I am a shooting, falling star
that looks like something special from afar but burns out when you watch for too long.

It's a peculiar cycle of being too much
and yet not quite enough to be the type of picture
that someone wants to frame.
It doesn't matter so much most days.

I do what I want, I do it how I like,
when I'm on my own and free, dancing about like I'm having fun.
I'm starting to see it's more fun with someone by your side
who feeds your flame
and see's potential in all that you want to become.

Afraid and selfish,
I refuse to ask for love,
I cannot stand the possible consequence.

He lets me be
He lets me be all that I am.

I am not helpless or hopeless because I do not ask for things in return when I give extensively,
or because I don't care whether we go left or right and can't make up my mind.
I voluntarily extend my love to anyone who needs a dose,
if only temporarily.
I want to exhaust all the kindness I hold within
with other souls who keeps it close like a blanket of happiness around their body.

Maybe that's all I'm here for.
Maybe it's all I have.

'Cause I am not enough to stand my ground and wait and beg and demand of something more from the people I love, if they do not naturally want to return it to me.
That does not mean I will keep it to myself.
No. I do not need it in return.

I will love you with all I am
but you will never know
and I promise it will never show entirely just how much I need you.

It's not of importance in this particular circumstance
for your love is not mine.

But luckily I am who I am, and can imagine all kinds of beautiful things.
I'll wrap a pretty bow around the box of feelings I keep separate from the rest in my head, only to reach into and reflect on every now and then.
Mostly the way of survival is ignoring its presence.

I don't think people understand what real is.
I think people will endlessly search in their lives for something more.
They envision what it is that is enough.
When it becomes theirs, it is never enough.
You miss out on perfect happiness in pursuit of it in all the wrong places,
like a person.

Understand my mess is a pile of lives being misunderstood,
of running around in reckless liberty and laughter
or the other side of paradise
in the darkness of sadness.
While I know you all love and adore me,
it's not what will ignite or inspire my breath.

Thank you for loving me from where you stand
watching me wander aimlessly in oblivion.

I am right here.
Stop looking through me.
I am right here.

It's alright.
Someday, someone will hear me screaming
in silence
waiting for forever to love you
in the cold of morning air and the bitterness that's left a stale taste of heartbreak and reality on your tongue.

When you are ready,
when you are unafraid and your doubt has softened,
come find me here
waiting to love you
with all that I am, through all the beauty and horrors of this world.
I will love you anyway, in the dark,
but oh
there's just so much more I'm wanting to give,
to a man who makes me excited to be alive
If only I knew how to take control and demand what I want from the world and it's people. To ask for what I want from you.

by Leah Ayliffe

Comments (2)

I read this again today. In my comment below I said it is one of the best poems I've ever read. I think it fair to say that the qualifier 'one of' can be done away with. This is absolute brilliance if ever such a thing existed.
Wow! An absolutely stunning piece. I'm not sure how even to go about commenting on it. You break down in exquisite detail how you desire to love unconditionally and hopefully receive the same in return. But you never Expect the return, only hope that maybe one day it will be there. You are more than willing to give your heart away, if you can find the one worthy of having it and then to convince them they can give you yours as well by loving them so intensely that they have no other choice. You stand on the outskirts of love looking in and scream I Am Rright Here! In conclusion you pose the thought if only you knew how to take control and demand what you want from the world. If you ask me, that is exactly what this poem does! It takes control of your world and forces it to submit to your will. Honestly one of the best poems I think I've ever read. To my favorites. Thanks so much for sharing