The carrots vegans choose to chew
by gershon hepner
enhance their loveable allure,
for vegetables they eat in lieu
of meat makes female ones cocksure
of winning hearts of carnivores,
competing not for meat with men
who hunt it with esprit de corps,
to eat themselves, without a hen,
relying on the macho slaughter,
in slaughter-house or on a plain
where beasts at licks were licking water
before they suddenly were slain.
Real men who don’t eat quiche eat meat,
but female vegans, who don’t hunt,
are for the carnivores a treat,
returning from the battlefront
in search of carrot-eating broads,
and, skinny bitches in the kitches,
sometimes as flat as Norfolk Broads,
become their meatless bread and bitches.
Though Ronald––don’t pronounce it Reagan––
became a vegetable, alas,
a foxy woman who’s a vegan
may have a most becoming ass.
To such I will not offer carrots
but startle with my sturdy stick,
and share my Burgundies and clarets
till they relax beside my lick.
Inspired by “The Carrot Some Vegans Deplore, ” by Kara Jesella (NYT, March 27,2008) :
Two things that you can find a lot of in Portland, Ore., are vegans and strip clubs. Johnny Diablo decided to open a business to combine both. At his Casa Diablo Gentlemen’s Club, soy protein replaces beef in the tacos and chimichangas; the dancers wear pleather, not leather. Many are vegans or vegetarians themselves. But Portland is also home to a lot of young feminists, and some are not happy with Mr. Diablo’s venture. Since he opened the strip club last month, their complaints have been “all over the Internet, ” he said. “One of them came in here once. I could tell she had an attitude right when she came in. She was all hostile.” Mr. Diablo isn’t concerned with the “feminazis, ” as he calls them. As a vegan himself, he says he hasn’t worn or eaten animal products in 24 years and is worried about cruelty to animals. “My sole purpose in this universe is to save every possible creature from pain and suffering, ” he said. Casa Diablo is just the latest example of selling veganism with a “Girls Gone Wild” aesthetic to draw the ire of vegans who complain that such tactics may get people to pay attention to animal cruelty, but for the wrong reasons. In Los Angeles, some frown at the scantily clad Vegan Vixens — a kind of animal-loving Pussycat Dolls — who perform songs like “Real Men Don’t Hunt” at fund-raisers for animal welfare groups. And many vegans who want to publicize cruelty within the fur industry are nonetheless dismayed by the new “Ink, Not Mink” advertising campaign from peta2, the youth arm of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. It features members of the Internet-based pinup group the Suicide Girls, sporting little more than tattoos and body piercings…
Vegans who use sexuality to promote the cause say it is a good way to convert carnivores — in particular, men. Sky Valencia, the founder of the Vegan Vixens, said her group targets “the people who buy Playboy and Maxim and watch talk shows like Jerry Springer. Those are the people we want to educate because they don’t know anything about the environment or animal rights issues or health.” The Vixens have a cookbook in the works and will appear on a new television show, “30 Days” with Morgan Spurlock, in an episode about a hunter who has to live with a group of PETA activists for a month. Ms. Valencia said that she has taken a lot of flak from “the stricter women vegans — they are sometimes a little tough on using sex appeal to sell an idea, but sex appeal is everywhere.” And, she said, men have told her that it works. “We’ve gotten a lot of men eating vegetarian, if not vegan.” In a culture where hamburgers and steak are considered emblems of masculinity, this may be no small feat. Most men have never even tried vegetarian food, Mr. Diablo of Portland said. “It’s as if it’s going to threaten their manhood.”