With My Right Hand I Embrace You, With My Left I Steal Your Wallet

Why does it always rain on me?
Maybe because there’s a hole in my umbrella.

*

I’m going to play with the English language.
Mother says don’t play with your food.

*

The paperboy throws the paper.
It goes through the letterbox,
Across the room,
And kills my cat.

*

In the game of life,
Only cheaters cheat.

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In the garden of the mind,
Between the tree of knowledge,
And the cactus of wisdom
Lies the Christmas tree of stupidity.

*

A dove elegantly soaring through the sky,
Passes through a cloud.
A crow stumbles out.

*

I asked the operator to put me through
To the speaking clock in Baghdad.
I got the time all right
But the screaming was really off putting.

*

I got a call girl for Christmas,
Now whenever somebody rings she answers the phone, I swear.
That’s all she does.
All right I let her make calls for me.
Isn’t that what a call girl’s for?

*

I drove a tank to work,
You have no idea how difficult it is to park at Waitrose.

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My dog bit the queen.
She had me muzzled.

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I was on a roll in Las Vegas,
Then the banker took me to the cleaners.
Which I think was jolly nice of him.

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My friend has a little voice and a big head.
Whenever she speaks
People look around for a cartoon mouse.

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Horse racing is cruel.
They never let the horse have any champagne.

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Dracula is the only person capable
Of leaving a blood bank with more blood than
When he went in.

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The appearance of a cloud in California,
Is one of the signs of the apocalypse.

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Life you can’t live with it
And you can’t live without it.

by Sam Price

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