With My Right Hand I Embrace You, With My Left I Steal Your Wallet
Why does it always rain on me?
by Sam Price
Maybe because there’s a hole in my umbrella.
I’m going to play with the English language.
Mother says don’t play with your food.
The paperboy throws the paper.
It goes through the letterbox,
Across the room,
And kills my cat.
In the game of life,
Only cheaters cheat.
In the garden of the mind,
Between the tree of knowledge,
And the cactus of wisdom
Lies the Christmas tree of stupidity.
A dove elegantly soaring through the sky,
Passes through a cloud.
A crow stumbles out.
I asked the operator to put me through
To the speaking clock in Baghdad.
I got the time all right
But the screaming was really off putting.
I got a call girl for Christmas,
Now whenever somebody rings she answers the phone, I swear.
That’s all she does.
All right I let her make calls for me.
Isn’t that what a call girl’s for?
I drove a tank to work,
You have no idea how difficult it is to park at Waitrose.
My dog bit the queen.
She had me muzzled.
I was on a roll in Las Vegas,
Then the banker took me to the cleaners.
Which I think was jolly nice of him.
My friend has a little voice and a big head.
Whenever she speaks
People look around for a cartoon mouse.
Horse racing is cruel.
They never let the horse have any champagne.
Dracula is the only person capable
Of leaving a blood bank with more blood than
When he went in.
The appearance of a cloud in California,
Is one of the signs of the apocalypse.
Life you can’t live with it
And you can’t live without it.